Mum says I’m ruining my life by moving to London
DEAR BEL,
I’M 28, married, no children, and have just accepted a job in London. My husband is looking for jobs, too, and we’re planning to move.
We live in a quiet village in Oxfordshire (both of us from the North, with families still there), but now we want something more.
We know London life can be challenging, but feel excited about the prospect. The only problem is my mum. She is very unsupportive of this decision and is being difficult and hurtful. Two years ago, I finished my PhD and wanted to become a university lecturer. That’s hard, so I joined a charity as a researcher, then moved into local government.
My eyes have been opened to the various career opportunities that exist outside academia. The job I’ve been offered is in the Civil Service — the pay is excellent, with brilliant career opportunities. However, my mum can’t let go of my dream to become a lecturer.
Before Christmas my parents came to visit and it was horrible. She got mad, saying she thought it was my ambition to be a lecturer and that I was wasting my life.
She said six years ago I said I couldn’t imagine living in London — and tried to blame my husband, saying he’s controlling and I’m being manipulated. This was particularly hurtful, as he’s the most wonderful, supportive man — and accepting this London job was a joint decision, affecting his career also.
She said that everything was about him and what I wanted should come first.
She won’t listen to my reasons and has started to be very snappy on the phone. I’ve spoken to my dad, who says she’s not angry, she just doesn’t understand me. That’s not an excuse to be hurtful, is it?
She doesn’t understand about the job and our wanting more of a social life, or why I’m enjoying being out of academia or why we don’t want to move back up North. I feel her reaction is childish. I’ve just made a decision she doesn’t like.
Her reaction really hurts. My brother says I shouldn’t apologise as I have done nothing wrong and I should just leave her to ‘come around’. If that happens, I know when the time comes I’ll want an apology.
The root of my problem is: how do you accept your parents aren’t perfect? When they hurt your feelings, do you stand your ground in the same way you might with a friend? How can we respectfully call out their negative behaviour? Or, as a child, should you just accept their views, even if they hurt?
I don’t want to fall out with Mum, but I don’t know how to move on. ROSE
Regular readers won’t be surprised to know I’m completely on your side. Of course, it’s difficult for any parent to witness a child taking a course of action you believe to be a mistake.
If advice is asked, you should be frank — but tactful. If it isn’t asked, you can murmur, ‘Have you thought this through?’ and state your position.
In the end our (adult) children have to make their own mistakes, especially once married. If it turns out, in the end, that you were right, you should never say, ‘Told you so’, but be ready with tea, sympathy and quiet suggestions (if required) on ways forward.
Knowing it’s hard to find an academic job (too many overqualified postgrads chasing them) you decided on an alternative and succeeded. How admirable: your mother should be proud of your prospects.
Did she have a poor education, as it appears that she’s so overimpressed by academic jobs? If that’s the case, perhaps it will help you to understand her — even if she doesn’t understand you.
It might also assist your husband to forgive her for being so hostile to him. Her remarks are unacceptable, but we can often find the unacceptable easier to bear if we deconstruct it a little. Your main
question is so interesting. One year ago, my daughter kitty and I had a massive fallingout.
we’re very close and have worked happily together on motherdaughter articles, so it was extremely painful.
It happened because I expressed an opinion about a choice she was making that she didn’t want to hear. She ‘called me out’ in a less than respectful manner and I made it worse by firing off a furious, unpleasant email.
Not wise behaviour by an advice columnist!
Ultimately, my unwelcome opinion proved right, but that didn’t excuse the lack of control. She had to accept the imperfection of her ‘role model’ mum and I had to realise it was my job (as the ‘grownup’) to apologise. we both learned a lot from the unhappy experience and promised it would never happen again.
I agree with your brother, but it wouldn’t harm you simply to let her know you regret disappointing her.
Then continue to plan the exciting life you and your husband are building, be ready for its challenges and email her with cheerful news regularly. Don’t waste time expecting an apology because that will do you no good.
The only ‘way forward’ is to prove her wrong, focus on work, and enjoy life with your husband. we all have to accept our parents’ imperfections — just as one day (maybe) you will hope your own children will accept yours.