What if I have a stroke and I’m alone?

DEAR BEL,

AT 65, I feel fit(ish) and healthy, but live alone. I have high cholesterol — my father died after a stroke at 84 and my brother of a heart attack aged 71.

My mother died quite young, of ovarian cancer, aged 52. I was 13 at the time. Because of this experience I brought my children up to be loved, but independent. At the back of my mind I was always asking the question: what if I were to die young, too?

So they have grown up to be very independent, leading their own lives. We don’t phone each other every week.

Ten years ago, I divorced. As I grow older, I wonder — and fear — what if something happened to me like a stroke or heart attack, and I’m all by myself?

I do have friends nearby, but I can’t help considering how long I would lie here before someone thought I might be in trouble or even dead.

I recall a newspaper report asking: ‘When did you last speak to your mother?’ It made me think. I don’t want it to be every day, but it does make me sad to think that my children might answer: ‘I can’t remember.’

I used to be such a positive person, but can now only think of negative things. Please help me (and others who read your column) to make sense of these thoughts.

JILL

Aweek ago, I was sitting with an old friend discussing death. we’re both fascinated by the Mexican Day of the Dead, when families celebrate relatives who have died. Both of an age, Sue and I agreed it’s perfectly healthy to be aware of ‘the skull beneath the skin’ and at the same time rejoice in the present moment.

There’s no contradiction. To acknowledge that our time on earth is limited and we have no idea how long we have is an incentive to enjoy life without wasting time grieving because it’s passing. Indeed, I’m writing this with a banner of Day of the Dead skulls above my head. They remind me, cheer me and galvanise me.

So I don’t believe there is anything wrong with thoughts I’d describe as potentially positive, not negative.

Your father and brother had reasonable portions of time; your mother not so. The shock and grief suffered by your 13yearold self remains — and affected your parenting.

At the root of your problem is not so much the fear of dying alone (although that is very powerful) as wistfulness for a closer contact with your adult children. But to be practical, even if your children phoned you every day, the stroke or heart attack you fear may still happen, and nobody would know. It could afflict me (close as I am to my family) one day when my husband is out of the house.

This is one of life’s ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ which to dwell on is a waste of precious time. To alleviate your anxiety, you should be sure you always have your mobile phone on you, with the numbers of your local friends easily accessed.

So what can you do? You say you have high cholesterol and, given your family history, you must address it. There is plenty of advice online. There’s no excuse not to follow it.

Do you exercise? Try walking groups or Pilates, t’ai chi or keepfit classes, as that way you will meet people, too. You have to get yourself moving and engaged for the sake of your physical and mental health.

It is not too late to shift the relationship you have with your children. Have you thought of actually talking to them about it? Confiding the truth exactly as you have told it to me?

we change as we grow older, so why not admit you would appreciate a more regular chat with each of them? Do you invite them to stay or visit them?

Stop brooding and become proactive.