Heartbreak of having to turn three little pigs into sausages
This Farming Life HHHHI Countryfile Winter Diaries HHIII
WELCOME to Britain’s Biggest Bovine Makeover, the TV format that takes a heap of old bull and turns it into two tons of gorgeous beefcake.
They say that beauty contests are just cattle shows — well, this one really is. First up is Marshall, a pedigree Charolais with a taste for brawling.
This Farming Life (BBC2) watched Marshall having his curly blond hide shampooed and blow-dried, and his hooves sanded so that he walked with a swagger.
‘You don’t want the back legs to waddle like a penguin,’ explained breeder Ray, as he prepared the bull for auction.
Though he was the size of a removals truck, Marshall trotted into the show ring like Mr Universe. His tail was bouffant, his fringe tumbled over one eye.
He’d have married himself if only it was legal in Scotland.
He was trouble, it’s true. This big bully enjoyed a scrap and had put at least one other Charolais champ out of the contest, after a barnyard ruckus. But surely that will add to his value at stud: all the girls love a bad lad.
Stories like these are the making of this documentary series, filmed at some of the most remote and picturesque farms in Britain. Marshall was reared near the Highland village of Inverlochy, amid spectacular scenery.
Across the mountains in the Cairngorms, farming novices Lynn and Sandra were preparing to send their three pigs to slaughter, an emotional challenge they’d not had to face before.
The couple had quit their city jobs and bought a disused croft, where they were busy planting a forest of 18,000 trees.
But you can’t eat pine. Their trio of Oxford Sandy and Blacks had been dining on grain and acorns for months, and now the pigs were ready to be made into sausages. There were tears.
It makes engrossing viewing because the programme invites us to think about the aspects of farming that few people ever see.
We can all imagine the dawn starts, or riding quad bikes over rainy hillsides to round up sheep. What’s more appealing is the sheer amount of emotion that goes into this life.
The metropolitan Beeb is perpetually surprised by the popularity of these documentaries, not least the Sunday magazine Countryfile which is consistently one of the most viewed shows on TV.
All this week they are running a spin-off, Countryfile Winter Diaries (BBC1), but hiding it at 9.15am. The brisk, jaunty style with its multitude of presenters will be familiar to anyone who enjoys the main show.
Steve Brown, a man who never stops grinning, was at an animal rescue centre in the Cotswolds finding out how to help baby hedgehogs that are too small to survive hibernation.
Keeley Donovan visited a Highland zoo to meet Hamish, the first polar bear cub to be born in Britain this century. There were segments on preventing soil erosion in the Pennines and insulating houses with recycled plastic — all seamlessly strung together by intros from John Craven as he ambled around an idyllic English village.
One bizarre item asked whether it was more fun to motor round Cornwall in a campervan, or to take a Land Rover across the moors in Bronte country. All this makes odd viewing in the slot usually reserved for cheapskate telly filler about loft conversions and will-writing services.
To have the BBC using Countryfile to stuff a hole in the schedules is rather like the Old Vic sending a national treasure out in the interval to sell ice creams. Mine’s a Strawberry Mivvi, please, Dame Maggie.