Ephraim Hardcastle
TONY Blair’s former flatmate Lord Charlie falconer eulogises Alastair Campbell after his divorce from Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party, trilling that Campbell ‘drove so much’ of Blair’s record on ‘schools, hospitals, transport, minimum wage and human rights’. He omits another policy ‘driven’ by Ali – the disastrous Iraq War. Maybe because Charlie was one of his co-drivers?
BORIS’S Brexit spin doctor Lee Cain once dressed as a chicken to goad former Tory PM David Cameron, reviving painful memories for Michael Gove’s new enforcer Alex Aiken. When he was part of John Major’s 1997 press team, hapless Alex’s spectacles went AWOL after an encounter with an identical chicken.
GABBY Swedish teenager Greta Thunberg features on Meghan’s Vogue list, but failed to meet the Duchess on her London crusade. Top of her list was ultra-Green Prince Charles, who was on his Easter break; William, who was en route to New Zealand and Meghan, who was pregnant. Harry should have been a natural, but was advised that Greta does not do platitudes. ‘I can see through things,’ she warned.
OBSERVING Boris Johnson’s MOD jacket emblazoned ‘Prime Minister’, BBC Radio 4’s Nick Robinson tweets : ‘Did someone think he might forget?’ Can Robbo himself, Oxford contemporary of the PM, ever forget his peer’s elevation?
SAMANTHA Morton, pictured, waves a solitary flag in support of Harvey Weinstein, saying: ‘I thought he was this genius producer and I wanted to work with him... there’s a lot more guys out there that behaved abhorrently and the studio didn’t do anything.’ Whisper it, but perhaps priapic Harvey didn’t think the gorgeous Samantha alluring enough for his flattery. Specsavers?
FINALLY moving on from playing Oscar Wilde – he stars as Uncle Vanya in Bath – Rupert Everett admits to artificially enhancing his manhood with padding when portraying Wilde in The Judas Kiss: ‘The front five rows were thinking “My God, I had no idea Rupert was so well hung!” I had to go down a few sizes because it was taking over.’
GORDON Ramsay effusively praises a goat in his forthcoming New Zealand cookery show, describing how his guide brought him a specimen down from the mountains. ‘This goat was extraordinary. It looked like it just came out of a Gucci shop. It was just immaculate.’ Children turn away now – the goat was deceased and about to be roasted.
GERMAN Grand Prix driver Charles Leclerc was baffled by Channel 4 presenter Steve Jones’s questions: ‘How often do you floss? What’s your favourite bird? Would you like to live to be 100?’ Distracted Charlie crashed out of the race. Will Jones be cleared in any inquiry?