Will my 20 stone daughter ever lose weight?

DEAR BEL,

I’M WRITING to ask for help concerning my daughter Kath (in her early 30s) whose weight and health has been steadily growing worse since she was 16.

My four children, whom I adore, are all on the large side. I felt ashamed to have been divorced twice and for years brought them up on my own.

However, I was able to train for a profession at this time and, while training, met my current husband of 20 years. My career still thrives.

My own relationship with food has always been problematic. I was very close to my late father, but not my mum. She was very domineering and I tried to be what she wanted: perfect. My bulimia was cured after my first pregnancy. But for the past ten years my eating/body image has become an issue again.

I’m 58, food is permanently on my mind and I’m very thin and exercise excessively, avoid ‘eating’ invitations etc.

Kath also has a medical condition and suffers from its symptoms. Her husband is also big and they kept joining gyms/slimming groups — and I paid the membership to encourage them. Their wedding was rather dampened as we could hardly fasten Kath’s dress. I felt upset for her.

Anyway, they have a lovely baby (after many problems) and she lost some weight through this, but in the past few months has piled more on and must weigh about 20st. Some of my friends have even commented on this.

She’s such a lovely girl: kind, warm, intelligent, funny, loving — and I can’t understand how she’s got to this.

Her husband Dave, although so young, has had heart problems. Kath used this to make him give up smoking, but they haven’t addressed the eating problem — and he’s put on even more weight.

It was an awful time, yet she has chosen to ignore the problem and Dave just does what she says.

A few years ago, when Kath and Dave were staying with us, I lost my temper and said what I thought. She packed their bags to leave.

My husband stopped them and I promised never to bring the subject up again. Now, if I ever just slightly hint, Kath says my feelings are written all over my face and it makes her even more determined to do the opposite!

I know this is wrong, but when we’re out together I feel embarrassed as to what people must think about how she looks. I’ve seen them look shocked.

I don’t know what has driven Kath to get like she is. ROSEMARY

There is no excuse for not knowing obesity is a national crisis. When I first travelled all over the States, I remember my shock at seeing gigantic people snacking and stuffing themselves all day long, wearing clothes like tents. Now it’s like that here.

Yet we are also told not to ‘fat-shame’ — as if there’s something cruel in speaking up about this health time-bomb.

But as the Mail’s brilliant Dr Max has often pointed out, it’s essential to face up to this problem. We can make any number of excuses about ‘comforteating’, but in the end people have to take responsibility for their own actions and their own health, instead of expecting the rest of us to indulge or pity them, saying nothing — while paying for the NhS.

The sad truth is that while some overweight people might be happy in their skins, plenty more are utterly miserable and ashamed. They are shortening their lives and also harming their children.

Kath knows she and her husband are obese, yet neither of them is willing to change their lifestyle.

So what can you do, rosemary? This is my old dilemma — a reluctance to write ‘You can’t do a thing’, even though I believe that to be true.

Your original email could have filled three pages of this newspaper, so obviously I have plenty of information

about you, past and present. I know that Kath’s medical condition (which I’m keeping private) usually leads to weight gain and that the amount of fat in the body makes it worse — a vicious circle.

She needs to take care of herself. But since that row you have tried to keep quiet — although she reads horror and shame (as you admit) on your face.

I understand your acute concern, yet it is very damaging to both of you.

It’s clear you think you spoilt and ‘mollycoddled’ your children, compensating perhaps for your bad relationship with your mother, your bulimia, your failed marriages.

You probably found it impossible to say no and overindulged demands for sugary or fatty foods — while having food issues yourself. Now you are obsessively thin and determined to stay that way. Past counselling must have given you understanding that your tricky mother’s insistence on ‘perfection’ was interpreted by you as thinness. Maybe Kath has been rebelling against all your issues for years. Have you asked what she thinks about your slender figure? Might it help her if you controlled your own obsession?

You should try to relax and focus on this precious new grandchild, bonding afresh with your daughter.

Read Susie Orbach’s classic book, Fat Is A Feminist Issue, and try to understand that food issues are not just about greed/selfimage/obesity, but also about healthy relationships and being happy with your choices.

Which is what I sincerely wish for both of you.