End of the world? I’ll just pack my G&T...

HAVE you got your bag organised yet? You know, the one Police Scotland say we need in case Brexit invokes a civil war or someone at Faslane gets their buttons mixed up?

I know what’s going in mine, anyway. Gin, obviously. The cat. A family-size variety pack of Hula Hoops. Tonic (for the gin). Savlon (for the cat scratches).

Will that be enough to shield me from whatever vague yet impending doom seems set to engulf us? I suspect not.

According to Police Scotland – and indeed police forces up and down the land, all of whom have been tweeting furiously about this all week – what we need in our ‘grab bag’ is a host of useful yet alarming items such as a flashlight, a whistle and something described as ‘seasonal clothing’ (Cargo shorts? Ear muffs? The guidance is unclear).

Heavens to Betsy! Are we protecting ourselves from the apocalypse or going camping for the weekend? Because it sounds like the sort of bag George from the Famous Five books would have packed for a trip to Treasure Island.

It’s not that I have anything against the concept of a ‘grab bag’ (terrible name) per se. It’s just that it seems a bit, well, pointless.

Those old enough will remember the Protect and Survive campaign of the 1970s, which did little other than put the fear of God into a generation of children – and indeed adults – that the end was, apparently, nigh.

While the advice was well-intentioned and, at the time, probably deemed necessary, it had the side-effect of making people feel vulnerable and helpless.

The same applies here. Because, for some, informing them out of the blue that they must have a bag ready at all times in case of an ‘unexpected emergency’ is genuinely frightening. For pensioners (some of whom, let’s not forget, have lived through actual wars), many of whom live alone, for children, who can’t grasp the realities, and indeed for the rest of us, who have enough on our plates without worrying about some unspecified terror about which we can do diddly-squat.

And may I humbly suggest that if the balloon really were to go up, the last thing any of us will be thinking is, ‘Now where did I put my special bag?’

I’m sure this initiative is well meant but at a time of instability – and make no mistake, when you have three judges accusing the Prime Minister of lying to the Queen, a Parliament that has been suspended for the longest period in recent history and government memos about food and medicine shortages, this is a time of instability – sending out messages such as this are at best confusing, at worst, fearmongering.

WHAT our police forces, and perhaps politicians, don’t realise is that people are already envisaging the worst that could happen. We are way ahead of them. We’re also smart enough to know that a flashlight and a fleecy jumper will be about as helpful to us as a ten-gear, road-racing bike is to a member of the cod family.

So at the risk of directly contravening police advice, I’d say that if you are planning on making up a grab bag then choose your own items. Pack the gin, decent tonic, your favourite bottle of red. Because if the apocalypse comes, you may as well go down smiling.