Could you be best friends with your mother-in-law... after you've divorced her son?
No, it’s not a bad joke — as these intriguing stories reveal, the bonds can grow even stronger
WHEN Chloe Hockin’s marriage broke down, dividing the spoils was relatively straightforward: the house, furniture and knick-knacks were shared out amicably.
There was one thing, however, that Chloe would not be handing back. Her mother-in-law.
Such was the bond Chloe shared with Lynda, 61, the mother of her husband of 18 months, Gareth, that the thought of losing her was almost as painful as losing her marriage.
When she was reeling from the split, she turned to Lynda. ‘I’ve been so close to Lynda since Gareth and I started dating in 2010 that it never crossed my mind to turn to anyone else, or that it might be inappropriate under the circumstances,’ says Chloe, 28, a teaching assistant from Cheltenham, Gloucestershire.
‘I know many women don’t get on with their mothers-in-law, but mine has always been like a second mother to me and still is, two-and-a-half years after Gareth and I separated — I even call her mum.’
The relationship between wife and mother-in-law is a notoriously tricky one, but, as Cambridge psychologist Dr Terri Apter, who has written books on family dynamics, attests, it can just as easily be intense and deeply loving — and therefore extremely painful to sever.
‘When a mother-in-law and daughter-inlaw do not get along, the resulting tension affects every family member,’ says Dr Apter. ‘Research shows that three-fifths of people have difficult in-law relationships. But, of course, that suggests a whopping 40 per cent do not, and among those are some who really love their partners’ families.
‘For them, divorcing a spouse causes the additional grief of no longer being part of their family, and some will put in effort to ensure that does not happen.’
That’s not to say it’s all plain sailing. Chloe and Lynda have set rules and no-go areas when it comes to discussing Gareth and his new partner — i.e., they don’t. Ever.
‘I would never expect her to turn her back on her son — I know I never could if it was our son, Ellis,’ says Chloe.
‘Ellis still sees his dad, though Gareth and I don’t really talk during these handovers.’
‘I have no idea if Gareth or his new girlfriend have a problem with me and Lynda remaining close. We never discuss it.
‘It might sound strange, but I don’t associate Gareth with Lynda any more — I just see her as my close friend.’
So CLoSE are the two women that Lynda took Chloe and Ellis to Disneyland last year, and, before that, they holidayed in Devon with Lynda’s daughter, Louise, and her son.
So when Chloe organised a dinner for her birthday in January, to which she invited her new boyfriend, she thought nothing of asking Lynda along, too.
Some of Chloe’s friends, however, find her bond with Lynda difficult to understand, and caution against talking about her ex around his mum.
‘My mates know how close I’ve always been to Lynda, so they weren’t surprised our relationship survived the breakdown of my marriage,’ says Chloe. ‘But they will say to me: “Watch what you say about Gareth, or she might tell him!”
‘our friendship is important enough to both of us to avoid any conversations we might find upsetting.’
This approach works for Lynda, too, who says she and her late husband were ‘very disappointed’ when her son and daughter-in-law separated.
‘Chloe was hurt and angry at first, but thankfully none of that was directed at me,’ says Lynda, a retired personal assistant.
‘I had grown so close to Chloe that I would have missed her terribly if she’d just disappeared from my life. I keep things harmonious by not talking to Gareth about Chloe, or vice versa. It works for us.’
Heidi Clayden, 45, also says the pain of becoming estranged from her mother-in-law when her marriage ended 15 years ago would have been as acute as that of a bereavement.
Although there are no grandchildren binding them, she calls Janet Clayden, 75, every evening to see how her day has been.
They often celebrate their birthdays with a joint mini-break, just the two of them, and have visited Antwerp, Bruges, Brussels and Amsterdam.
They also go on summer holidays together, Heidi with her daughter, Felicity, from a subsequent relationship, and Janet with her granddaughter, Emily, Heidi’s ex-husband Anthony’s daughter.
The girls are close in age — nine and ten — and, thanks to Heidi and Janet’s friendship, have developed a close bond of their own over the years.
Janet Felicity a grandchild. ‘Although there’s no blood tie between us, Heidi and I are one another’s rocks,’ says Janet, who lives in Hornchurch, Essex.
‘When I lost my younger son to leukaemia ten years ago, and then my husband, after a heart attack, three years later, Heidi was there for me.
‘When I spent time in hospital following a stroke, my son was a support but it was Heidi who sat by my bedside, keeping me company for hours.’
Anthony has never had an issue with Janet and Heidi’s close bond, but some of his recent partners have been less happy with it.
‘His partners can get jealous and if he brings them round here when Heidi is here it can be awkward,’ says Janet. ‘But I’ve said to him: “Who I have in my house is up to me.” ‘When Heidi and Anthony broke up, my husband and I didn’t take sides — we love our son to pieces, but we love Heidi, too. She grew up in Namibia and has no family here, so she would come and stay with us every weekend for a while afterwards.’
Still, no one could have predicted the strength of their 20-year friendship when the two women were first getting to know one another.
‘Heidi and I didn’t hit it off straight away,’ admits Janet. ‘She could be very abrupt because she would be translating into English in her head. For instance, she would point at my fruit bowl and say: “I’m having an orange.” Not:
‘I’d choose Ivy over a new romance any day’
“Please could I have an orange?”. I said to her: “That sounds rude.” She was mortified and said: “If I say something wrong, tell me how I should say it.” So, after that, I did.’
Heidi appreciates enormously how Janet comforted her during the months after her marriage broke down.
‘I’d recently lost my parents so I was very grateful for the support I got from Janet and my father-in-law, John.
‘I remember meeting up with them in London for a meal to celebrate my birthday and it didn’t feel at all odd because, when we were married, Anthony spent a lot of time away with the Army so I would often see his parents on my own.
‘A lot of people find it strange that I’m so close to my exmother-in-law — many of them say they would happily never speak to their mothers-in-law again and some of them are not even divorced!
‘Perhaps if Anthony and I had had children they might understand it better, but I don’t see Janet as an in-law, more a mum and a friend rolled into one.’ A healthy relationship between a former mothers and daughters-in-law is admirable in any circumstances, says psychotherapist Leila Collins. But if children are involved it should be a priority.
EVEN during a marriage it can be a relationship fraught with difficulties, so it’s very fortunate if the two women in these roles form a strong bond,’ says Collins.
‘While it may be less common for them to remain friends post-divorce, it’s good to maintain that connection as the children are much less likely to feel pulled in different directions, which is important for their mental health.’
Indeed, it was after Nicki Rodriguez’s son, Harry, was diagnosed with autism aged two, in 2013, that her friendship with her mother-in-law Ivy really came into its own.
Ivy did lots of reading about the condition so she could support her son, Andy, 55, a product designer, and daughterin-law, Nicki, 43, as well as develop a close bond with her grandson.
So when Nicki’s marriage began to crumble a couple of years later, one of her main concerns was that it might destroy her relationship with Ivy.
‘We didn’t hit it off when I first started dating Andy 13 years ago, because Ivy is similar to me and it takes her time to warm to people,’ says Nicki.
‘But she was always there for me when I needed someone to listen to all my worries about Harry and what the future held for him. I couldn’t bear to imagine life without her, but thankfully she didn’t take sides when I separated from her son and, because I continued to drop off and collect Harry, nothing really changed between us.
‘Andy now has a new partner, but Ivy still sends cards on my birthday and at Christmas and treats my 16-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, Lydia, like a granddaughter.’
Ivy walks with a frame and her husband, Arthur, has dementia, so Nicki takes her to do her weekly grocery shop in Brentwood, Essex. When Andy is working away, he knows he can rely on Nicki to check in on his parents.
So amicable are relations, in fact, that Nicki, Harry and Lydia spent Christmas with her former in-laws, plus Andy and his partner, who appears to have no issue with Nicki’s involvement in their lives.
However, the two men Nicki has dated since separating from Andy have been much less tolerant of the arrangement.
‘Both felt threatened by the fact I get on so well with my son’s family. They expected, and appeared to want, relations to be hostile,’ says Nicki.
‘When the first relationship ended I vowed I would never put up with someone trying to interfere with my friendship with Ivy again, but then the same thing happened in my second relationship.
‘He couldn’t understand why I would take my former motherin-law shopping. He would say: “It’s not your problem any more.” But I don’t see helping Ivy out as a problem. She’s a dear friend. I vowed that the next man I dated would have to be far more easy-going about our relationship — because, when push comes to shove, I’d choose her over any flash-inthe-pan romance.
‘I’ve now met someone who completely gets how important she is to me.’
While daughters-in-law the world over may be baffled by the strength of these bonds, there are those, including Nicki and Ivy, who couldn’t understand better.