Your gut says it’s over — trust it!
STEPH SAYS:
Thank YOu for writing this letter. In the longer version, you detail the full saga of your rollercoaster relationship — and by putting it down on paper, I think you’ve taken the first step towards taking back control of your life.
In a way, you’ve bet your heart and your self-esteem on this relationship; and like a gambler who keeps throwing good money after bad, you refuse to scoop up your chips and leave the table in case the next spin of the wheel delivers a big win. I think you know deep down it’s unlikely.
I’m particularly concerned about that marriage proposal.
In my experience, when people ask others to marry them in such a grand gesture and in front of family and friends, it’s often a way to head off rejection. after all who’s going to turn down a long-term partner in front of their parents and pals? It’s manipulative behaviour, and I think you know this, too.
What I think you are actually asking me is for permission to end what has become a flawed and chaotic relationship. Well, I can’t — it’s not for me to decide. But what I’d like to do is give you the tools to take control of that decision.
First of all, you must understand what you’re going to sacrifice. You can’t just ‘ask her to move out’ if that includes asking the children to leave, too. are they going to live with you or her?
Morally, you are bound to provide for your family — and I know this will be a priority for you — so one potential solution is to think about selling your house and buying two smaller places for you and the mother of your children to live in. It’s hard for children to see their family split up, but less hard than living with parents who begrudge each other the very basics of a happy adult relationship.
What’s required here is a massive dose of honesty.
You’ve allowed yourself to be taken for granted; you feel a failure in your own eyes, and, if you’re not careful, you’ll never trust another woman again.
Yes, she might change her mind in the short term and your relationship might go through another of those loved-up patches, but in six months or a year will that still be the case?
There are mediators who can walk you through the pros and cons of separating and how to do it amicably, if that’s what you decide. Find one and talk it through with your fiancée.
You’ve done the hard part, which is asking for help. now have courage and take control of this vastly difficult process. You will emerge stronger for having done so.