APOSTROPHE CATASTROPHE

For 18 years, he’s fought a lonely campaign to save us from our possessive howlers. But now — at 96 and in despair —John Richards has simply given up trying to solve Britain’s...

‘We’ve done our best but ignorance and laziness have won!’

John Richards has impressively bushy eyebrows, two children, a grandchild, an amicably divorced wife, a passion for detective novels and a vast, exacting brain. he is also founder of the apostrophe Protection society, and yesterday he was nursing his wounds at home in Lincolnshire.

‘The barbarians have won,’ he told me. ‘The battle is lost. it makes me feel sad, with a heavy heart. But it was inevitable — i’ve been preparing for the worst. The apostrophe is dying.’

John has dedicated nearly two decades desperately trying to protect his beloved apostrophe — which he calls an ‘endangered species’. Tirelessly, he has pointed out to local businesses (and beyond) where it was missing, where it should go, where it shouldn’t go and where it was superfluous (cd’s, rather than cds — in a sign in the local library, for goodness’ sake).

But finally, after 18 years, six months and a good 20 days in the field, this former newspaper sub-editor has hoist his white flag and hung up his spurs.

a statement on his website — which reiterates the golden rules of apostrophe use and debates the proper way to write ‘dos and don’ts’ — explained further.

‘Fewer organisations and individuals are now caring about the correct use of the apostrophe in the English language. We, and our many supporters worldwide, have done our best but the ignorance and laziness present in modern times have won!’

The reaction among those keen to protect the English language has been visceral.

‘it’s been a grim few years, but the demise of the apostrophe society is the last straw,’ said writer, broadcaster and grammar stalwart Gyles Brandreth yesterday. ‘For those who value traditional English, the apostrophe is the symbol of our cause. it’s the symbol on the flag we wave at the barricades as we try to save the English language from complete collapse.’

BuT not for much longer. or certainly not with the help of John Richards, anyway. his website will be up and running for a few weeks yet so we can still see photos of signs that have infuriated him — ‘honk if your horny’, ‘Taxi’s only’ and ‘Resident’s and Visitor’s only’ — while listening to a jolly song about the apostrophe. But at the age of 96, John is off to ‘focus on other commitments’.

he tells me he’s known the end was nigh for some time now.

‘interest is dying,’ he says. ‘The apostrophe is dying and i have been braced for this moment. i used to receive between 30 and 50 letters and emails a week. Last month, it was just one. People just don’t seem to care any more.’

For John, the writing was on the wall when he saw a sign for ‘coffee’s’ outside a new restaurant in Boston and popped in to give them some apostrophe advice.

‘i said very politely, “it’s not needed. it’s a plural.”

‘But the man said: “i think it looks better with an apostrophe.” and what can you say to that?’

But it’s not just coffee shops, or market stalls with barrow loads of banana’s and apple’s. Brandreth includes some shockers — all of them real — in his book about grammar, have You Eaten Grandma. including ‘Tattoo’s,’ ‘open sunday’s’ and, rather heartbreakingly: ‘one of the best mother’s — may she rest in peace.’

John launched his grammatical crusade — and the society — in 2001, thinking it would both help educate others and soothe his despair at apostrophe misuse.

at first, he and his loyal son stephen, then 34, were the only members. soon, however, they were being bombarded.

‘it happened very quickly and we were getting letters from all over the world,’ he says, rather wistfully. ‘it astonished me.’

Most flagged up local offences; some asked for help. John’s approach was to write a nice letter.

‘dear sir or Madam,’ it would begin. ‘Because there seems to be some doubt about the use of the apostrophe, we are taking the liberty of drawing your attention to an incorrect use which has been pointed out to us.’

after setting out the rules of apostrophe usage, it would conclude: ‘We would like to emphasise that we do not intend any criticism, but are just reminding you of correct usage should you wish to put right the mistake.’ at the end, the letter would give advice on how to correct each particular transgression.

one of the first letters he wrote was to W. dunmore & sons, a local butcher, whose van has the word ‘carvery’s’ emblazoned on it.

his reminder didn’t go down well. ‘sounds to me like this man wants a bleeding job,’ was the response of owner Reginald dunmore.

But John was undeterred and, since then, has sent thousands of letters in his quest to protect our language.

While it might have felt a bit lonely at times, bashing out letters from the society hQ — aka his home in Boston, Lincolnshire — he was not a lone crusader.

ThE late daily Mail columnist Keith Waterhouse founded the aaaa (association for the annihilation of the aberrant apostrophe) with the aim of stamping out intrusive apostrophes wherever they were encountered, by public naming and shaming.

Brandreth, too, is passionate about the cause. ‘The apostrophe society may have given up, but i haven’t,’ he said yesterday. ‘of course, language evolves, the use of punctuation changes, but the apostrophe is something the language needs.’

other punctuation crusaders have taken things further. in 2009, a resident of Tunbridge Wells was accused of vandalism after painting apostrophes on street signs in st Johns close.

Two years ago, a self-proclaimed ‘grammar vigilante’ admitted to going out undercover at night in Bristol town centre to correct street signs and shop fronts where the apostrophe was incorrect.

and in the apostrophe section of her 2003 bestseller Eats, shoots and Leaves, Lynne Truss writes: ‘no matter that you have a Phd and have read all of henry James twice. if you still persist in writing: “Good food at it’s best”, you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.’

Thankfully, John’s approach has always been rather gentler.

‘no, no, no!’ he says, clearly appalled when i ask if he has ever nipped out under cover of night with a marker pen or pot of paint and a brush. ‘Just letters — and always polite!’

sadly, though, not everyone has been impressed by his unwavering

commitment and good manners. In 2015, he was included in the Dull Men’s Club wall calendar — which supposedly features the 12 dullest men in Britain — alongside Kevin Beresford, president of the UK Roundabout Appreciation Society.

John was ‘October’, pictured looking in consternation at a vast billboard that read: ‘This Months special offer.’

John says the response to his carefully crafted letters has been almost always negative. ‘It’s usually something like, “Why don’t you get a life?”’ he says. ‘But it just brushes off, because I have got a life.’

Of course he has. Though he lives on his own following his divorce 30 years ago, he is a busy man. Naturally, he loves reading — fact, fiction, whatever he can lay his hands on.

He has enjoyed a fruitful stint with the local amateur dramatics society and is still a proficient cook, his speciality being stew and dumplings.

For years he has been driven by the feeling of ‘sorrow and anger’ that accompanied the sighting of every rogue apostrophe. Happily, there have been many small victories along the way. Not least in his native Boston, where he was finally successful in persuading the local library to change that sign from CD’s to CDs.

One of his darkest days was in January 2009 — John describes it as ‘the day we lost Birmingham’ — when the council banned the use of the possessive apostrophe in street names to avoid confusion. So St Paul’s Square became St Pauls Square, and so on.

But the nadir came in 2012 when Waterstone’s bookshops, founded by Tim Waterstone,

announced they were ditching the apostrophe.

‘If Sainsbury’s and McDonald’s can get it right, then why can’t Waterstone’s? You would hope a bookshop is the last place to be so slapdash with English.’

Lately, the fight has gone out of John. But he is proud of what he has achieved and, since the announcement that the APS was shutting down, he has been touched to be inundated with messages heralding him ‘Mister Apostrophe’, telling him what a difference he’s made and asking him to reconsider. So could he? Would he? ‘Absolutely not. There’s no question of that,’ he says.

And now comes the knockout blow. ‘I’m just not as enthusiastic as I was. I think it may be an age thing, but somehow the apostrophe doesn’t seem to matter to me as much as it did.’