Banish those feelings of inferiority

STEPH SAYS:

I APPLAuD you for being brave enough to write to us. My heart goes out to you. It seems like you feel your break-up and subsequent celibate years are somehow shameful — I should like to stress very strongly that they are not.

The fact that you feel shameful must be making things so much worse. So, first, banish that feeling. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

On the contrary, you should feel proud of your resilience and of bouncing back from heartbreak. You’re not bitter or wallowing in your misery. In fact, you are now open to the idea of meeting a new man and opening up your heart again.

Many people never recover from such a setback and define their lives by their pain and rejection. You have healed, and supported yourself emotionally and financially. Now you just have to realise it.

I have a feeling that this has nothing to do with sex. It is more a question of your selfesteem. Many women and men out there don’t relish the thought of finding a new partner in midlife. I know if I had to, I certainly wouldn’t be exactly excited at the prospect — after all, I am no longer a 23-year-old mind in a 23-year-old body. It’s completely normal to find the whole thing daunting.

But the issue has become overwhelming in your mind as your confidence has been erased.

The key is to boost your sense of self-worth and respect for yourself. You might benefit from finding a professional to guide you through this process — to help you see yourself as others see you — and resolve those feelings of inferiority.

I think it will also change the subliminal messages of negativity you emit to the wider world. At the moment, you’re giving off fear; you need to start sending out vibes of contentment and confidence.

Truthfully, I want to give you a great big hug and tell you that you are worthy of everything, so you can stop this rollercoaster of negative emotions.

With age, I have come to realise that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. A relationship is the sum of its parts, and intimacy is the way we make ourselves most vulnerable to our partners — so it’s appropriate to take it seriously. And it’s absolutely OK to do it with the lights off!

When you find the right man, I really do believe that your fears will recede. Have faith that it will happen to you.

In the meantime, feel proud of being single and revel in your independence!