The winos around here see Batman & Robin every night!
ALL this week we’re bringing you scripts of the TV gems that had the nation shaking with laughter. Today, the Mail’s TV critic, Christopher Stevens, starts with an Only Fools And Horses classic, which might just be the best sitcom moment ever — when market trader Del Boy (David Jason) and his gormless brother Rodney (Nicholas Lyndhurst) emerge from the mist dressed as Batman and Robin.
Del and Rodney are on their way to Harry’s fancy dress party. Their battered Reliant Robin van passes by — at this point we don’t know what costumes they are wearing to the party. The van backfires loudly. We hear conversation from inside it.
RODNEY: I feel stupid! I don’t know how we got out of the estate without being seen.
DEL: Don’t worry, we’ll be there in a minute. RODNEY: Yes, but then we’ve got to get home dressed like this!
DEL: Who’s gonna see us at five in the morning?
RODNEY: Yeah, suppose so. Five in the morning? You said we’re only going for a couple of hours.
DEL: Yes, but you get involved, don’t you?
The van coughs and croaks a few times, then splutters to a halt.
RODNEY: What’s happening?
DEL: There must be something wrong.
RODNEY: I wish I was mechanically minded like you.
DEL: I’ll open the bonnet, you go an’ have a look at the engine.
RODNEY: Go an’ have a look at the... I’m not getting out the van dressed like this!
DEL: No one’ll see you. Look, the street’s empty.
RODNEY: At the moment! But I’ll guarantee you the minute we step out of this van a thousand people’ll pour out of a... of a... of a place where a thousand people are! You have a look, it’s your van!
DEL: You tart, Rodney.
We see the driver’s door open and Del’s foot covered in a suede, elf-like bootie. As Del approaches the bonnet, we now see him in all his glory. He is dressed as Batman, complete with hood and cape. He checks the street, then opens the bonnet. Rodney pops his head out of the open passenger-side window. He is dressed as Robin, with eye-mask, etc. RODNEY: See anything?
DEL: Gimme a chance. Can’t see a thing here in the dark.
Rodney alights from the passenger side and joins Del, cautiously checking that no passer-by will see him dressed as Robin. Del has removed something from the top of the engine. He now produces a lighter and snaps the flame on to give him some light. RODNEY: (Innocently at this point) What you looking for? DEL: I’m tryin’ to see if the petrol’s getting through to the carburettor.
There is a short pause before Rodney’s eyes widen in horror. He leaps back. RODNEY: You idiot! You could blow us to kingdom come! DEL: Don’t be daft! There’s no petrol coming through, is there? There’s a blockage, that’s why we’ve broken down. Quick, back in the van — I don’t want people seeing you dressed like that. You look like a right plonker.
They both scamper back into the van.
DEL: (Almost as if it’s Rodney’s fault) What are we gonna do now, eh?
RODNEY: I don’t know, Derek! We are sat in the middle of Peckham at 10.30 at night, dressed up as Batman and Robin! You — you chose these costumes! I wanted to go as the Blues Brothers!
DEL: Rodney, we’d have still broken down and been in this embarrassing situation, wouldn’t we?
RODNEY: Oh yeah! We’d have both been wearing suits and ties — right couple of zooms we’d have looked!
DEL: But we’d never have won first prize as the Blues Brothers!
RODNEY: At least we could have walked home!
DEL: Stop moaning. We’ve got to think of a way out of this.
RODNEY: All right, let’s think about it.
Produces mobile phone.
RODNEY: We phone the RAC.
DEL: Yes, ask to be put through to their ‘Broken Down Whilst Dressed As A Couple Of Prats’ department?
RODNEY: All right then. The police?
DEL: The police? We’d never live it down, Rodney. Our lives would be hell! We’d have to emigrate.
RODNEY: At this particular moment in time, that doesn’t sound a bad alternative.
DEL: There’s always a way, Rodney. Let’s sit here and think.
RODNEY: The pubs’ll be chucking out soon. They’ll tear us to shreds.
DEL: Tell you what, old Harry’s house is nearer than any other place. If we run we could be there in five minutes.
RODNEY: But we’ll be seen! People on buses, people in restaurant windows.
DEL: No. Not if we go through the back streets and the alleys. All you got down there are winos and crackheads and let’s face it, they see Batman and Robin every night of the week. Come on, we can do it.
RODNEY: Five minutes?
DEL: Five minutes if we hurry.
RODNEY: Oh jeez!
They are on a street that runs past the back of the town hall. Parked opposite, close to an alley, is a modern car. The back door to the town hall is opened by a commissionaire and Councillor Murray exits, carrying handbag and briefcase.
CLLR MURRAY: I’m going now Tom.
COMMISSIONAIRE: I’ll see you out. Goodnight, Councillor Murray.
CLLR MURRAY: Good night, Tom.
The door closes and Councillor Murray makes her way across the road to the car. She stops at the driver’s door and opens her handbag for the car keys. At this point, Dawn (the girl member of the mugging gang) rushes round the corner, apparently in a wild panic.
DAWN: Sorry, Miss, you seen a policeman round here?
MURRAY: No, I haven’t!
Immediately Gary (the leader) steps out from behind the corner.
GARY: Good! Giss your money!
CLLR MURRAY: What are you doing?
(Calls) Tom!
The other members of the gang, Scott and Kevin, have now appeared and the mugging begins.
CLLR MURRAY: Help!
SCOTT: Someone shut her up! GARY: Get her handbag!
Dawn puts her hand round Murray’s mouth. Scott now sees something up the road that makes him freeze in incredulity. he nudges Gary.
SCOTT: Gary! he gestures up the road. Gary looks and freezes. Dawn, Kevin and now Murray all do likewise. We see from their point of view — 200 yards away, Batman and robin are running towards them.
GARY: (Incredulously) What’s happening?
CLLR MURRAY: (equally incredulously)
I haven’t the faintest idea! GARY: (Terrified, to rest of gang) Go!
The gang run off, leaving Murray openmouthed in disbelief. Batman and robin run past her. Batman then stops, and robin stops a bit farther on.
DEL: Councillor Murray?
CLLR MURRAY: (Frightened) Yes.
DEL: I recognise you from your photograph. Derek Trotter — you may remember I wrote to you some time ago about a...
RODNEY: Del, let’s go!
DEL: Yes. Well, sorry, must dash. Maybe another time?
Batman and robin rush off. Murray watches them, still in total shock.
Later that night in the hallway of a big house . . . The door to the main room is closed. All we can hear is the sound of polite, muted conversation. The front doorbell rings. Boycie exits the main room. he is dressed in a black twopiece suit, white shirt and black kipper tie. he opens the front door and Del and rodney enter. At first Boycie is surprised, but he now allows himself a little smile.
DEL: Oh Boycie, let us in, will you?
BOYCIE: What have you two come as, then?
RODNEY: (Innocently) Batman and Robin.
DEL: Ignore him, Rodders. Just ignore him. Where is everyone?
BOYCIE: (Points to main room) Straight through there, Caped Crusader.
DEL: You ain’t gonna win nothing dressed like that. (To rodney) Amazing, innit? We’ve come as Batman and Robin and Boycie’s come as the Penguin...
Del and rodney move towards the door checking themselves in the mirror first.
BOYCIE: (Quietly) Oh no, Del Boy — not the Penguin. More like the Joker.
In the main room of the big house . . . We find a crowd of people of various ages sipping drinks and engaged in polite conversation. They are all dressed in black — this is, in fact, a wake. Mike approaches Kenny, harry (the host’s) son. Kenny is 50.
MIKE: Kenny. Mike from the Nag’s Head. I was really cut up yesterday when I heard about your Dad. Still, at least he didn’t suffer.
KENNY: No. He had a good innings and he’d have been well chuffed to see all his family and friends turn up for his wake like this.
Now the double doors from the hall open and Del and rodney enter.
DEL & RODNEY: Da da da da da da da da. rodney stops singing as he sees the crowd.
DEL: Da da da Batman! Da da da ... (The song dies on his lips.)
Boycie has followed them in. BOYCIE: Derek. Harry died yesterday.
DEL: He di...? Why didn’t you tell us that out there in the hall, instead of letting us run in here like that?
RODNEY: Yeah. We were going da da da da and all that!
BOYCIE: It completely slipped my mind. Strange what grief can do.
Now laughs but realises laughter is out of place. Boycie exits into the crowd. Del and rodney remain looking and feeling silly. Now Kenny approaches.
KENNY: Del. I don’t know if you remember me. I’m Kenny, Harry’s son.
DEL: Yeah, course I remember you.
KEN: I phoned round everyone to tell ’em the party was off. I left four or five messages on your answer machine. Obviously you didn’t get ’em.
RODNEY: No. The machine’s been playing up.
DEL: I’m gonna get shot of that bloody machine. Look, Kenny, I’m sorry about all this.
KENNY: Don’t be silly. The old man’s most probably up there now having a bloody good laugh at you all. You’ll stay, won’t you?
DEL: Oh yeah, of course.
KENNY: Grab yourself a drink and something to eat.
DEL: All right, cheers.
Kenny moves into the crowd. Denzil appears. DENZIL: Didn’t you know Harry had died?
DEL: Of course we knew Harry had died! That’s why we’ve come dressed as Batman and Thingy!
RODNEY: Robin.
DEL: Yeah! I suppose the prizegiving’s off now?
RODNEY: I love him. Bloody love him.
Trigger arrives wearing a black suit, white shirt and black tie. he approaches Del and rodney and shows no reaction to the way they are dressed.
TRIGGER: All right Del, Dave. Bit of a choker, innit, old Harry popping off like that?
RODNEY: Yeah. We didn’t know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
TRIGGER: Me neither.
RODNEY: You mean, that’s your costume?
TRIGGER: Yeah, I come as a chauffeur. I feel a bit stupid now.
DEL: Yeah, you do stand out a bit. I’ll get us a drink.
TRIGGER: I don’t think you and Del would have won first prize.
RODNEY: No?
TRIGGER: No. You’re all right, but Del don’t look nothing like Tonto.