Oh my God we’re in lingerie!
NOT many Christmas sitcom specials inspire real-life pilgrimages. But the 1996 episode of Father Ted that saw eight priests lost and panicking in the lingerie section of a department store has achieved legendary status in Ireland... with one councillor calling for the shop where it was filmed to be declared a national heritage site. In 2014, the Green Party’s Cllr Brian Meaney campaigned for Dunnes Stores in the centre of Ennis, Co Clare, to be recognised as a tourism landmark. ‘Father Ted has a cult following at this stage,’ he said. Sadly, ‘Ireland’s largest lingerie section’ is now the fruit and veg department. Dermot Morgan played Father Ted, with Ardal O’Hanlon as Father Dougal and Frank Kelly as Father Jack.
FATHER Ted and Father Dougal are Christmas shopping in a department store. Foul-mouthed Father Jack made the trip too but isn’t with them.
TED: I thought I’d buy some perfume for Mrs Doyle.
DOUGAL: Good idea, Ted. Perfume is the ideal ‘woman’ present, isn’t it?
TED: Yessss. Well, that’s why God invented perfume, so you don’t have to put any thought into it whatsoever. Oh, where’d you manage to stick Jack in the end?
DOUGAL: Oh, they’ve got this great place, Ted, where you can put people who don’t want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
TED: Really? I’ve never heard of that. Were there other people there?
DOUGAL: Oh, loads of people, Ted. He’ll be fine.
They move out of shot. In the department store creche we see Jack sitting against a wall. There are about a dozen children in with him, playing with blocks and messing about. Jack smokes a fag and looks quite happy. Dougal and Ted are still walking through the store.
TED: Perfume... perfume.
DOUGAL: You think you’d be able to smell it. Ted ... where exactly are we now?
TED: Well, we’re in the ... in the ... (Ted looks around, suddenly terrified) ... Oh, my God.
A sign over their heads reads ‘lingerie’.
Ted looks around, panicking slightly.
TED: We’re in lingerie. Dougal, we’re in lingerie.
DOUGAL: What’s the problem there, Ted?
TED: (As he ushers Dougal along) Well, think about it Dougal. Two priests hanging around near women’s secret things. It just doesn’t look good.
They start walking quickly.
TED: Where’s the exit? Oh, God, look, we’re in bras! (Dougal looks around, wide-eyed.) This way ... oh, no, that’s ... more underpants! Why in God’s name do they need so many kinds of underpants!
What, do they parade around in them, looking in mirrors all the time?
Dougal thinks about this, drifting off. They round a corner and see two other priests looking at lingerie. TED: Billy? Terry? BILLY: Ted? Ted Crilly? BOTH: How’s it going? Hello, there... TED: Good to see you both. This is Father Dougal McGuire.
BILLY: Hello, Father Dougal. DOUGAL: Hello, Father Dougal!?...
What? TED: No, that’s you, Dougal, You’re Father Dougal.
DOUGAL: Oh, right.
TED: We got lost a bit in the store. That’s how we ended up here. We got lost. I suppose that’s what happened to you as well.
Billy and Terry exchange a glance.
BILLY: Hmmmm... ? Lost?
Yeaaaahhhh, that’s it. TERRY (Simultaneous with Billy)
We got lost, that’s it.
TED: I don’t suppose you’d know the way out of here? BILLY: Eh ... this way? TED: No, we just came that way. TERRY: It’s Ireland’s biggest lingerie section, I understand.
TED: Really? TERRY: Yes ... I read that... somewhere...
TED: Well, I just think it’d be a good idea to get out as quickly as possible. Four priests hanging around the frillies section... BILLY: Yes, I... I see what you mean. TED: Let’s try this way...
To dramatic music, they start walking through the aisles. In the creche Jack is idly playing with building blocks, still surrounded by kids. We can see that he has spelt out the words ‘Feck’, ‘Arse’, ‘Drink’ and ‘Girls’ with the blocks. Back to our heroes in the lingerie section. Everywhere they look, though, they just see more lingerie. TED: Ohhh, wait a second, we’ve been here... I remember those bras the first time round. DOUGAL: God, they all look the same to me.
TED: No, no. These ones have double padding and the black lace outline with the little cotton supports and the extra strength straps. If we pass by any bras with a middle arch support and single padding, along with a white lace outline, we’ll know we’re on the right track. BILLY: Someone’s coming! TED: Damn!
Before they can bolt away, they see another four priests coming around the corner. TED: Oh my God.
They walk up to the priests and exchange greetings, shaking hands in a military, manlike way. The new priests are Father Deegan, Father Cleary, Father Reilly and Father Fitzgerald. TED: What happened to you? CLEARY: We were looking for the toilets and we wandered in here by mistake. How do you get out? It’s huge! TERRY: It’s Ireland’s biggest lingerie section, I understand. TED: All right. This is the situation. Eight priests wandering around a lingerie section. If it was just one or two of us, well, that’d be embarrassing, but with the eight of us... I think we’re talking national scandal.
DEEGAN: What are we going to do? All the aisles look the same.
TED: It’s no use panicking. We’re in this thing, let’s try and get out of it. Billy, you go on point. Father Cleary, Father Deegan, I want you at the back. All right, let’s go. And keep it quiet.