Did you send all those Christmas cards to yourself ?
WITH her shrill cry on the telephone of, ‘Bouquet residence! The lady of the house speaking,’ Patricia Routledge created one of the most recognisable characters in sitcom. Hyacinth Bucket came from common stock (and that’s putting it politely) but she would never admit it. She wouldn’t dream of letting her henpecked husband Richard (Clive Swift) admit it either. In this first of four festive editions Hyacinth has one ambition — she simply wants to be Mrs Father Christmas.
The scene is the doorstep of 22, Blossom Avenue, the Bucket’s four-bedroomed bungalow. HYACINTH: (Greeting the postman) More Christmas cards! Good Heavens… so many friends.
Postman turns to leave.
HYACINTH: Just a minute… (Counting the cards) That makes 112! That must be a record. If anyone else down the avenue starts boasting about how many Christmas cards they’ve had, I trust you’ll remember my record. POSTMAN: Yes madam. (The postman makes to leave again) HYACINTH: ‘Cause you’re only temporary. My regular postman, he would know best where to mention my record of 112.
POSTMAN: I’ll pass the word around. HYACINTH: Good! POSTMAN: (Mockingly) I’ll tell everybody.
HYACINTH: Don’t over do it! I was never one to boast. And a very Merry Christmas!
Long-suffering husband Richard is in the lounge dusting when his wife enters the room singing The holly and the Ivy looking at her post.
RICHARD: More Christmas cards? Are they genuine or are they those that you’ve written to yourself?
HYACINTH: I regard it as a service to those people who may have misplaced my address. I’m sure they’d like to think they had sent me a card!
The telephone rings. HYACINTH: Now, put those up will you, dear.
RICHARD: Where? (Looking around at all the cards on every surface of the living room) hyacinth leaves the lounge to answer the phone. Continues singing Christmas carols as she picks up the receiver.
HYACINTH: The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking. (It’s her son) Sheridan, how lovely to hear from you, dear. RICHARD: (Popping his head
around the door) He’s had all the Christmas money he’s getting.
HYACINTH: (holding the phone to her chest so Sheridan won’t hear)No one’s mentioned money, he’s just ringing his mummy. (On the phone again) Yes dear it’s going to be the usual hectic Christmas. Popularity has its penalties.
Richard sighs and goes back into the living room.
HYACINTH: I’ve already had to find room for 112 cards! And this will be the first Christmas without you, dear. I don’t know how mummy will cope.
RICHARD: (eavesdropping and
muttering loudly to himself) If he asks for more money, I don’t know how daddy will cope!
HYACINTH: Well I knew that one day you’d grow up and leave us. RICHARD: You call this leaving us?
HYACINTH: (Still on phone) Only I didn’t realise you’d be going quite so far away. Oh yes, I think it’s splendid of you and Tarquin to go and help rebuild Romania but do wear something warm, dear. You need how much?
Richard turns his head.
Then ring me from Romania. Reverse the charges!
Richard turns around and walks off. The scene changes to the living room of the Bucket’s neighbours, elizabeth and her brother emmett.
EMMETT: Richard is walking about the garden beating himself on the head. ELIZABETH: Oh he often does that!
EMMETT: I’m not surprised… If I had to live with Hyacinth I think I’d often do that. ELIZABETH: Sometimes after I’ve been there, I find myself doing that! EMMETT: Poor Richard, the man needs a break. After all it is Christmas.
In the Bucket’s living room hyacinth opens a box and pulls out a Father
Christmas costume.
RICHARD: Are you sure about this?
HYACINTH: The old folks will be when you’re distributing their gifts. Now do try and show a little Christmas enthusiasm, Richard! RICHARD: I’ll feel such a fool!
HYACINTH:
And not only the old folk, dear. I want you to be the star turn at my Boxing Day candlelight supper for our special friends. I want you to be the surprise!
RICHARD: Oh I will be... I can see it now. hyacinth puts the red jacket onto Richard.
HYACINTH: During the proceedings I want you to slip away quietly. RICHARD: I sometimes think about slipping away quietly. HYACINTH: And return as Father Christmas. hyacinth kisses her reluctant husband on both cheeks.
RICHARD: I can just see Onslow’s (her slobby beer-swilling brotherin-law) face when he sees me in this.
HYACINTH: I’m not going to all this trouble for Onslow. Don’t be silly! Onslow and my family will come as usual on Christmas Eve. RICHARD: Oh you decided then. HYACINTH: They are my family and I love them dearly... especially at this time of year when it gets dark early.
Richard sits down in the costume.
HYACINTH: I can cope when they are in the house, it’s when they are arriving and especially leaving. Onslow’s rarely in a condition that I’d want the neighbours to see.