Stop worrying about commitment

STEPH SAYS:

ThIS is an issue that affects many people, so I am pleased to be able to address it.

Instinctively, I would say the heart of your letter is ‘the toothbrush’ — I would venture to say that, in your eyes, the toothbrush is representative of your boyfriend’s commitment to you, or lack of, I should say.

I would also say it is clear that what is truly bothering you is the signals your boyfriend is sending about your relationship to you and the wider world.

You are clearly unhappy he refused to accompany you to your friend’s party, so you should discuss this with him to understand where he is emotionally.

But, if he were trying to keep you hidden, he would not have introduced you to his daughter. If you are looking for signs he is taking his relationship with you seriously, this is it!

If you were content with a slow-burn relationship, I suspect none of this would be a problem. But clearly you are not, so I think you are searching for a deeper emotional connection. The reality is that seeing each other every other weekend is unusual — in the longer term, it is quite a separate way to live.

And if you want more than that, you may have to have a serious conversation to find out how he wants things to progress. Frankly, I think your collywobbles are about his lack of commitment — and you’re pinning it all on an 11-year-old.

She is a child, and a child of a broken relationship. her waters are far from calm, and unfortunately for you, the new girlfriend will be the target for her pain.

As the adult, it falls to you to help her navigate her feelings.

If you have little experience of children, it can be hard to know how to deal with them, especially if you see them rarely.

Until I became a mother, I had no idea how to interact with a four-year-old, an 11-year-old or even a baby. It’s not an innate skill, but it does come, I assure you, with time and lots of patience! Get to know her without distraction, and she’ll begin to trust you, and maybe even enjoy having you in her life.

however, before you embark on this charm offensive, I counsel you to be very clear that this relationship with the child and her father is one you want to be in for some time to come.

So, search your soul for what it is that you truly want. If you find this relationship is not what you want long term, then I urge you to do the right thing.

The welfare of the child is absolutely paramount. If you decide you want to be with her father, put her security and wellbeing first — the rest will follow.