It’s not about you, it’s about them
DOM SAYS:
I’M DelIGhTeD you’ve found someone you get on with. latelife love can be very hard to find! So I do think it might be worth persevering through the difficulties you’re facing.
I’ll start by saying that I have been this child — and it is very difficult as a young person to weather the storms of divorce.
After my parents split, I did not react in the way that this young lady is, but I do understand where she is coming from.
From her perspective, her father has stopped being the father she knew and loves, and nothing is going to improve that. You may not be the reason her parents are no longer together, but she may well see you as an impediment to them reuniting. And no, that’s not necessarily fair, or even true, but she is 11.
I must say, though, that she is old enough to know how to wound — and old enough to know when someone is trying too hard. You can’t buy a child’s affections and neither should you try.
You’ve been together for 18 months, which isn’t such a long time. And I have to say, I commend this man for putting his child first. he is prioritising his daughter, and he is quite right to do so.
Maybe it would help you to see his refusal to allow you to leave a toothbrush at his flat not as a slight against you, but rather as his way of trying to protect his daughter. he is not setting out to make you feel insecure— rather he is doing everything he can to make his young daughter feel safe in her father’s unchanging love. Quite right, too!
There is every possibility she won’t ever get on with you, or indeed any woman. The poor child might have deep-seated anger issues which mean she’s never able to enjoy a relationship with her father’s partner. Don’t be offended by that. It’s not about you — it’s about her and her father.
let’s face it, it could also be about her mother. You have no idea what she is saying to her daughter.
I agree with you that your boyfriend is not taking adequate care of your feelings.
While I commend him for putting his daughter first, he also needs to consider you. So calmly tell him you would like him to make it clear to you — if not his daughter — how much he cares about you. There are other ways to do that.
Then, remember, patience is a virtue. When it comes to your boyfriend’s daughter, sit back, relax and it will — hopefully — all come good in the end. But stop trying to force it.