Roll up, here come the Dukes of Hazmat!

TEN days ago, I remarked that things were moving so quickly it was difficult to keep up.

For instance, I wrote — only half in jest — that with air fares in free fall, I could have saved a small fortune if I hadn’t already booked to visit my mum in Michigan. That’s if Virgin Atlantic didn’t go broke in the meantime.

Yesterday, Virgin wrote to the Government pleading for a bail-out. All flights to the states have been grounded. Any number of airlines could go to the wall.

When all this started, Gary drew me in a Hurt Locker outfit, for a chuckle. This weekend, a bloke was photographed, outside a supermarket, in full Hazmat gear. What baffles me is that he still has bare hands, clutching a mobile phone — two surefire methods of coronavirus transmission. similarly, I joked that people would start stockpiling toilet rolls. Before the week was out, they were stripping the aisles of Andrex like locusts.

Mail reader Richard Dewick has since sent me this picture, (far right) which has been doing the rounds and was mentioned by Jane Fryer in her splendid ‘Don’t Panic’ dispatch from Britain’s biggest bog roll factory yesterday.

If toilet tissue does go on ration, remember what we were told about making the most of our school exercise books — use both sides. Failing that, follow the frugal example of Pongo Harris, the walking health hazard from Minder, played by the late William simons, who was hired by Arthur to supply toilet requisites to a hotel in Willesden. ‘Extra-length, four-ply, colours various,’ says Pongo, opening the rear doors of his rusting Transit. ‘Top notch gear is it, Pongo?’ asks Terry. ‘Wouldn’t know, Terry,’ says Pongo. ‘I never use the stuff myself.’