Hardcastle
WILL Boris dither over honouring ex-Bank of England boss and Remainer Mark Carney? Predecessor Mervyn King, within a few days of retiring in 2013, was elevated to the red benches to complement his knighthood. Carney has an Irish passport and in 2018 gained British citizenship, so he could become at least Sir Mark or even Baron Carney. Every retiring governor has received ermine, or already been a peer, since 1911.
LIKE bespoke ninepins, the Queen’s time-hallowed Royal duties fall to Covid-19. The latest looking likely for the chop is next month’s distribution of Maundy money at St George’s Chapel in Windsor. Recipients – 94 men and 94 women, reflecting the Sovereign’s age – have to be at least 70 years old. Some have already advised organisers, the Royal Almonry, that they won’t be able to attend.
ISOLATION of the over-70s will cause trouble for the Queen with her ladies-inwaiting. Lady Susan Hussey, 80, the Honourable Mary Morrison, 82, the Countess of Airlie, 87, and the 100-yearold Mistress of the Robes the Duchess of Grafton all fall under virus restrictions.
ARCHBISHOP Justin Welby has abandoned the tradition of washing feet at Canterbury Cathedral’s Maundy Thursday service due to Covid-19 fears. The custom recalls Jesus washing his disciples’ feet at the Last Supper, although unlike the Pope, who washes the feet of the homeless, Welby is presented with the manicured trotters of well-heeled worshippers. The only way for the archiepiscopal hand to transmit the virus would be if the foot was then put in a mouth, something Justin tries to avoid at all costs.
DONALD Trump has narrowly avoided another foot-inmouth Twitter moment, announcing the death of Tom Hanks, pictured, from the virus. Trump, misunderstanding the Australian health authorities’ statement that Hanks had been discharged from hospital after treatment, prepared to announce his passing. The Queensland authorities hurriedly advised US Embassy officials that Tom was hale and hearty.
JEREMY Paxman whinges about his failure to find blotting paper, telling Saga magazine: ‘I explained that once upon a time we used to write with ink and then pressed absorbent paper on it to stop it smudging. It was as if I was explaining Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle to my dog Derek.’ At least the old curmudgeon wasn’t after toilet roll.
GYLES Brandreth, noting that audiences of the West End’s longest running play The Mousetrap, forced to close after 67 years, are sworn to secrecy about the murderer’s identity, cheekily tweets: ‘PS. The virus done it.’