We’d rather be with our friends than our husbands!
They’re all happily married, yet this group of women say their most meaningful relationship is with each other...
DATE nights are anticipated with a giddy glee. Intimate, innermost thoughts are confessed readily. And earnest promises of commit-ment are made — and kept — for a lifetime.
Sounds like the devoted relationship between a husband and wife, doesn’t it? Not quite. In fact, this is how one group of female best friends describe their relationship, even going so far as to say that, despite being very happily married, they prefer spending time with their girlfriends than their husbands.
And they’re far from alone. One British survey found that just over 50 per cent of women felt closer to their best friend than the person they married.
The research explored why women feel this way, with 57per cent saying they can talk about anything with their best friend and 44per cent admitting that included some things they’d never tell their partner.
It’s every man’s secret fear — that their wife would rather spend time with her friends than him, but psychotherapist Hannah Martin of the Talented Ladies’ Club isn’t in the least surprised so many women prioritise their friends over their husbands, saying: ‘The idea marriage has to be everything is old-fashioned, it’s an unrealistic and unhealthy burden to put on one person.
‘No single relationship will give us everything. We need to liberate ourselves from this idea.
‘Generally speaking, men aren’t emotionally equipped to understand periods, pregnancy and the menopause. Men like to problem solve, whereas women want someone to listen and empathise.
‘And it’s never a good idea to place so much value on one relationship, such as that with your husband. If he drops dead or walks out, what are you going to do? I have no hesitation in saying friends will get you through life crises more than your husband will.’
So should we all be placing more value on our female friendships than our marriages? Here, three faithful female friends explain why the first person they turn to isn’t their dearly beloved, it’s each other . . .
THEY KNOW MORE ABOUT ME THAN HE DOES
publiShEr Karen Williams, 45, lives in portsmouth, hampshire, and is married to peter, 46, a company director. She says:
AfTEr my dad died from oesopha-geal cancer in 2013, I was at my lowest. And I knew precisely where I could best seek solace.
No, not with my husband, Peter (pictured with me, above), but with my two closest female friends, Wendy and robbie. That’s not to say that Peter was in any way distant or uncar-ing. He was there for me physically, always ready to give me a hug. But the girls’ support was different. They were there for me emotionally and had end-less patience.
Just after Dad died, we three were due to go out together. But I couldn’t face the world. However, because robbie had already lost her father, and knew what I would be feeling, they gently insisted I join them. They’d found a table in a discreet corner of a cosy pub and let me cry and say whatever I needed to.
Our relationship has been symbiotically close and supportive ever since we met in february 2009. Indeed, while I’ve been with Peter for more than 25 years, and married for more than 15 of them, I admit I’m more likely to turn to my friends in a crisis. They’re my female soulmates. Peter is relaxed about our friendship, and it makes me a better wife because I don’t feel I need to rely on him for everything.
We all met on a weekend away in London at a seminar held by the motivational speaker Tony robbins, where we ended up sharing a room.
Today, I liken it to a blind date of the best kind and we ended that weekend with an incredibly rare, shared commitment to a lifelong friendship. I truly love my friends. I can’t compare it to the love I have for my husband, it’s just different. Nothing is off limits when we talk — from sex to the menopause.
I’m perimenopausal and if I’m struggling with hot flushes, I turn to Wendy and robbie because they are older than me. It just isn’t the same with Peter. Husbands want to fix things you discuss, whereas my friends understand and just listen.
We’ve supported each other through so many spells of pain and trauma — cancer, chronic long-term illnesses affecting loved ones, our husbands’ redundancies and retirement — as well as celebrating the highs, such as professional successes.
We have plenty of girlie weekends: from sleepovers to theatre trips, spa weekends and even discos where we get to feel like teenagers again.
The girls share my interests in a way my husband doesn’t. And we all like to plan our futures, whereas Peter lives in the moment. Thankfully, it doesn’t annoy me, it’s the way he is.
While I have been with my husband since I was 18, it wasn’t until I met robbie and Wendy that I realised just how important female friendship can be to a woman.
Our friendship enhances my life on every level. They probably know more about me than even Peter does.
PETER SAYS: It’s good Karen has friends she can talk to. Our marriage is stronger because she can off-load with them.
They talk about different issues than we do together — women’s ‘stuff’. I believe women cope with deep emotions better than men, so I was grateful she had her friends when her father died. I don’t get jealous of her spending so much time with them, and I get invited on some of
their outings. They often go out to lunch and I won’t see her again until midnight.
THEY GOT ME THROUGH MY HUSBAND’S CANCER
Beauty therapist and life coach Wendy Wyatt, 55, is married to Chris, 61. they have two daughters in their 20s and live in Fareham, Hampshire. Wendy says:
I ofTen turn to Karen and Robbie for reassurance, and not my husband. It doesn’t matter how trivial the issue is — from what to wear to an event, to any health issues I have. My girlfriends never treat my problems like they’re small. There’s a trust between us and we really listen to one another. I feel ‘heard’.
I might talk to Chris about it too, but if I’m stressed the girls will reassure me and won’t mind if I repeat myself and go over and over the same subject. In contrast, men get bored of looking at the same thing from more than one angle. My theory is that women have more emotional and comforting words in their vocabulary than men. We do love our husbands, but we also love our friendship.
I like to think the three of us are all at the perfect stage in our life for friendship — and yes, good friendships can, at times, feel as powerful as a good marriage. While some women’s female friendships can become mired in competitiveness, being in our late 40s and early 50s we’re at a stage in life when competition is just draining. I’d much rather have support and be supportive.
We’re accountable to one another because it is how our friendship began, when we attended the lifechanging weekend with Tony Robbins. We shared things that no one else knows, and ever since, our friendship has gone from strength to strength. There have been so many profound moments we’ve gone through together.
When things are tough, I will turn to them, because I can let off steam and then go back and support my family. While Chris has friends, and they do chat over a beer, it’s not quite the same.
for example, in January 2017 Chris was diagnosed with lung cancer. The girls just turned up on my doorstep. If I wanted to talk about it, we did. They never said: ‘This is the tenth time we’re going over this!’ They just listened.
When Chris was ill I tried to cancel on them for an evening out, but they encouraged me to go. I was able to sit down and, even though I said nothing, just being around them made me feel better. Today, two years after surgery and chemotherapy, they still turn up and support us.
our husbands aren’t excluded from our social circle — far from it. We’ll often say, ‘Shall we bring the boys along?’ We’ll go out for an Indian meal together. fortunately, all our other halves get on well.
But they’re not interested in half of what we talk about. We recently spoilt ourselves and went to the health club Champneys for a weekend together. even if trips like this come out of our household budget, Chris doesn’t mind.
If anything, he encourages me to spend time with Robbie and Karen. I appreciate them as much as I do my husband.
CHRIS SAYS: Wendy’s friendship with the others is invaluable and our marriage is stronger having them in our lives. They offer other opinions that can be helpful to Wendy, and I was grateful for their presence when I was ill.