How to put the pep back in your marriage by Gwyneth’s guru
She’s the intimacy coach who helps Hollywood stars reignite their sex lives. But can she get this stressed-out couple with three kids to reconnect?
that you stay up a bit later and clean the kitchen.’
Then, Michaela advises that we address a habit she calls ‘always already listening’, when you wrongly assume you know what your partner is saying. It’s linked to established patterns. So, when I asked Phil to get up more quietly one morning, it turns out he assumed I was accusing him of being purposely loud. Oh dear.
We also need to give each other space. (As I write, Phil is reading on our deck in blankets and a coat. I’m inside.) That way you fix little irritations on a logistical level. ‘Now is not the time to fix things on an emotional level as you’re dealing with a survival situation,’ Michaela says. ‘Emotional depth is one of the first things that goes.’
Underlying pressure gives you a shorter fuse, too. ‘You’re going to be a bit more sensitive when receiving or giving criticism. There will be flared tempers.’ The next step is ‘to look at the needs you have that the other doesn’t fulfil’.
Michaela suggests fulfilment of these needs correlates to how we perform in the relationship. ‘Let’s assume Phil would be able to fulfil all his functions better with the fuel of physical touch.
‘But Anna is an introvert. Staying behind to clean the kitchen is a prime self-care mechanism for an introvert. It’s creating order out of chaos by yourself. This is why she’s not a hugger. She straightens herself out by herself. Phil, you straighten yourself out by being in contact with [others].’
We’re momentarily speechless. Michaela appears to know us better than we know ourselves.
She says that once you remove this idea of ‘the other person’s way is wrong’, you can practise what ‘makes all the difference in the long-term relationship: generosity. You give each other the things you need before they’re requested. That creates a whole other depth of appreciation and intimacy.’
So Phil might ‘actively participate in me “separating out”’ — say, by running me a bath, lighting a candle, and leaving me be. And I might face Phil on the sofa, ‘grab his feet and legs, and massage and squeeze, while we talk about anything except logistics and business’.
It’s a non-invasive way of me experiencing touch, she says, adding: ‘Before you start talking about sex, [you need] that basic reconnection as a man and a woman. Phil, you’re not going to touch her until she asks.’
I realise that I perversely don’t like this rule. I like that he’s affectionate, so I need to stop taking this for granted and instigate more hugging myself.
‘Make time for ten minutes a day,’ she says. ‘I’m sure the kids are not around that much. Within a week or two your relationship will have radically changed. That is the beginning of sensuality.’ As we wave goodbye, I feel optimistic.
PHIL SAYS:
I WAS prepared for a stream of trendy waffle. But Michaela was practical, and her analysis was powerful. It made me emotional.
The pandemic is frightening and everyone is seeing its impact on their relationship. Anna has been quieter and disappeared within herself, but she’s coped well.
I’ve never been this busy. It’s exhausting, and I don’t ever feel normal. I’m just trying to do as much as I can for everyone.
This is a partnership. But with three children at home, there’s little privacy. That’s one of the biggest obstacles to intimacy. Although I’m not sure anyone feels slinky right now, unless they’ve got a high salary, a secure job and no one to worry about.
When Michaela talked about what we might do to be generous towards each other, I felt she was cleverly getting us to mimic the behaviour of a good relationship.
ANOThEr thing we learned is that Anna needs time alone. I joked to her: ‘There’s the door, the park is down the road!’ But Michaela talked about ‘pre-empting Anna’s inner critic’, by proactively making her take time out so she can’t feel guilty.
Especially now, when there’s a war on — the enemy being a global pandemic — she believes I consider any time she takes for herself to be ‘slacking off’. I don’t, but Anna thinks I do, and the fact Michaela understood that was impressive.
She reminded us that making your partner feel bad about themselves fosters resentment. You might not mean to do this — sometimes it’s because of insecurities or pressure.
But simply being mindful of the other person equates to caring, and is preferable to constantly messing up and apologising.
Establishing a daily ritual of making ten minutes for each other resonated. We say there’s no time, but ten minutes is possible.
Michaela also talked about getting into a more sensual space. The will is there, but frankly it would be easier if we’d had the loft converted. As it is, there’s always a teenager in the room next door.
But the day after our session, Anna lay with me on the sofa and cuddled up for ten minutes. Earlier, she spontaneously hugged and kissed me. I said ‘Thank you’ in a formal way that made us laugh. But Michaela said that’s OK; the generosity you show can be overt.
Understanding each other better, and acting on that knowledge, is already building intimacy. It’s like being diagnosed by a skilled doctor. You now know what’s wrong and how to make it better.
My gratitude to Gwyneth for the recommendation!