Get in line for the shoppers’ shuffle

THE Supermarket Corona Shuffle. On arrival, don’t try to sneak in through the exit pretending not to notice the mile-long queue snaking around the corner. Entering the store, proceed with care and keep your eyes peeled at all times for oncoming shoppers. On spotting an approaching shopper, swerve sharply to the right or left, depending on available space in the aisle. Try to maintain eye contact with the oncoming shopper in order to avert a mid-aisle collision — they may be trying the same manoeuvre, but in the reverse direction. If the shopper asks, ‘Why don’t you look where you are going?’ reply: ‘Why don’t you walk where you are looking?’ Maintain a dignified smile as you could well meet the same shopper later at the checkout — or, worse still, in a few months’ time on the school run or at a job interview. You will need this dignified smile on making your supposedly unhurried way to the pasta/eggs/tinned soup/loo roll/paracetamol shelves to the fact you are trying to beat all rival shoppers to grab the last remaining items. Try adopting a look of indifference when, on arrival at these shelves, you find there is nothing left — or you are lucky enough to grab the final items. In the meantime, maintain a respectful distance at all times from the shelf-stackers — they are working hard to replace the products you tried to hoard yesterday. When queuing to pay, stick to the footprint markers and refrain from making jokes about passport control queues at airports — a newly unemployed pilot may be behind you. After paying, refrain from spraying your wallet/cards with disinfectant until you leave the building as any stray droplets could be mistaken for bodily emissions and cause an unfortunate incident. Happy Corona shopping.

Sue Gamble, Richmond, Surrey.