Why is he hiding his celebrity friend?

DEAR BEL,

THIS is unusual, maybe all in my head. I’m 38, married 17 years, three children under eight.

Because of shifts we don’t get much time together, but what we have is good. We haven’t had sex for a couple of years now, but I’ve put that down to routine and age.

My husband isn’t on his phone all the time, so I don’t know why I looked at it. Boredom? I found he has a female friend (since childhood) he talks to nearly every day on a text app. I had no idea.

They exchange school photos and talk about old times. Even odder, this woman is actually well known and I’ve expressed interest in her work, yet he has never said he knows her! Their conversations are about news, work, friends.

They compliment each other but never flirtatiously. However, on Facebook I found they’ve been ‘liking’ each other’s pictures for a decade. I’m sure they haven’t seen each other in person since school; she lives many miles away and her job takes her around the world.

He doesn’t look at other women or hide his phone. We still have a lovely life and he’s never expressed unhappiness even though we’re not having sex.

He even lets her know how me and the kids are getting on.

But why has he never told me about this beautiful, famous woman? Why do they chat so often? She makes him laugh whereas I don’t.

This might be in my head because there’s not much going on in my life, as Covid put a stop to all social plans. But I don’t understand why he keeps it a secret and can’t ask without letting him know I snooped.

MOLLY

YOu mention Covid-19 and the pandemic, which interests me because it occurred to me that many people have been under strain, and you’re almost certainly one of them. You and your husband have been juggling shift work, childcare and lockdown — which is enough for most people. So one day you looked at his phone…

In your longer letter, you’re even more emphatic that you don’t think anything is going on — but equally that the secrecy bothers you. I can understand why it does, but also perhaps why he’s maintained it.

Let’s consider that first. Some people like to keep their lives in compartments, and when we marry we don’t necessarily tell all. There might be things that shame us; there could be memories too precious and private to share. ‘Full disclosure’ is all very well, but surely it is almost impossible to know everything about another human being? Suppose your husband just wants to keep his old friendship to himself?

Well, that is arguably his right — where lying would not be.

Yet what of lying by omission? In your view that’s what he has done, and it really bothers you. I agree it’s odd. If X is well-known and you’ve mentioned her work in the past, then it seems rather weird he didn’t boast about knowing her. You are convinced there’s no affair on the horizon, but sound jealous when you say she makes him laugh.

If I were you, I’d work on that part — and perhaps that renewed intimacy might lead to physical intimacy, too.

And why not look at any profiles of this lady, glean where she went to school, and inform him with excitement? Then ask him innocent questions and suggest that, when this tedious time is over, he invites her to visit.