I made a joke about impotence. She didn’t crack a smile

DAVID, 65 VITAL STATISTICS

DIVORCED. Single for eight years, with two daughters and three grandchildren.

CURRENT ROLE

RETIRED.

WOULD LIKE TO MEET

I’M no pin-up, but I am a perfect gent. I’d like to meet someone who is arty and sociable. When I go to musicals I always buy two tickets — just in case. I live in hope.

DATING PAST?

MY MARRIAGE ended after 25 years — we realised we had little in common when our daughters left home. Then i had a relationship that lasted almost 12 years, though we never lived together.

Online dating is not easy. Some women are like submarines — you’ll chat, then they’ll disappear for months before popping up again.

PRE-DATE NERVES?

NOT at all. When you reach a certain age you don’t give a hoot. i’m into amateur dramatics so nothing fazes me. i shaved off my lockdown beard before the date, and even ironed my shirt.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS?

I HAD a few technical issues with my computer so we ended up video chatting on our phones.

Using a smaller screen was difficult, but i could tell Suzie was nice and attractive. She talks well, too — whereas i’m Norfolk born and bred with the Bernard Matthews ‘bootiful’ accent.

EASY TO TALK TO?

VERY easy. i was impressed she had seen david Bowie in concert. My knowledge of his 1970s work isn’t great, as i spent most of my youth fishing. Suzie also talked about her love of ‘indie’ music, but the only band she mentioned that i recognised was Snow Patrol.

as we chatted she drank rosé and i had a Corona. i joked that it protected me against the virus.

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS?

A FEW. i wasn’t sure how Suzie took my sense of humour. i said i didn’t mind the impotence and incontinence that come with old age, but the one thing i couldn’t stand was losing my hair. She didn’t crack a smile. She also had a poker face when i said i did Morris dancing.

DID SPARKS FLY?

IT’S hard to tell online. Before she went to another room to show me her favourite Cds, she did say: ‘don’t go away!’, which was nice.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET IN PERSON ?

YES, that would be lovely.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE THOUGHT OF YOU?

She might say i talk too much. i like to keep the conversation going. i asked questions, though.

WOULD YOUR FAMILY LIKE HER?

YES, but one of my daughters worries my new lady could inherit the house instead of her! The other one is desperate for me to find someone, though.