That’s too long to stay in the shadows
DOM SAYS:
I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in what does seem like a very perplexing situation. I’m slightly amazed that you’ve lasted five whole years without ever properly spending time with her family. I have to agree with you, I find it rather odd.
I suppose it may be that her children were particularly close to their late father and she is trying to protect them from a new man coming into their lives. It does seem, for men in their 30s, a bit of an overreaction though. It’s possible, too, that her sons may have been very vocal about their lack of desire to see her with a new man. That would seem rather unfair on her, but it’s also perfectly possible.
Or perhaps, far from protecting them from you, she is instead sheltering you from them. She may know that they are the kind of boys who will make life difficult for you. No one wants to be given the third degree, and she may feel that that’s what would be in store for you!
But whatever the reason for the avoidance, it is entirely reasonable that you have asked for it to stop. It’s not right for her to have entered into a relationship without doing so fully and openly. She has put you in a deeply hurtful situation and that is very unfair of her.
I very much feel for you as the hidden man. my gut reaction is that, actually, this has nothing to do with you. It would be the same with any ‘new’ man in her life as this is all about her inability to admit to her children that she’s moved on.
Five years is far too long to keep you in the shadows. It’s about time that she grows up and makes the world aware of her relationship with you.
You have made the right choice in ending things. my hope is that she will see the light and remedy the situation. If her feelings are sufficiently strong, it’s still very possible that she will come back with open arms and be happy to share you with the world.
One note of caution, however. At the start of your letter you talk about how she doesn’t want to meet yet as her sons are fearful about the virus.
While I feel you are absolutely correct in wanting to go public with your relationship, it is totally reasonable of her not to want to meet and mingle at the present time.
Some of us are more fearful than others as we take our first steps into the new normal — and we must all respect that.
If she wants to get back together, then do it on her timescale — but make sure a meeting is planned with the family, too, as soon as everyone is comfortable.