The secret to finding a man in midlife? Write a love list!
...oh, and wear silk, soak in a bath and take a Goddess Hour. Just some of the bizarre advice Britain’s dating coaches gave SOPHIA MONEY-COUTTS in her bid to find Mr Right
There’s a lot of masculine energy,’ says James, a love coach I’m talking to via Zoom. I laugh this off, even though it confirms one of my biggest insecurities.
I’m too manly and inelegant, that’s why I’m still single at 35. I have big feet (size 8) and am so tall (5 ft 11 in) that I always had to play the man in school plays.
I’ve long suspected that I’m not feminine enough, and here’s James Preece, one of Britain’ s top love coaches, confirming exactly that: I’m putting off men because I’m too masculine. Oh dear. ‘I’m not saying you look manly or anything,’ James adds quickly, ‘only that a lot of women who come to me are in the same situation: very successful in their careers, but when a man comes along, they’ve got no idea what to do or how to handle it because they’re so independent.’
hmm, I think to myself. James sounds a lot like my mother.
Why am I sitting behind my laptop having a
Being jealous of a beautiful woman is not going to make you more beautiful
ZSA ZSA GABOR
lesson with a love coach? Excellent question. My interest in these coaches was sparked nearly two years ago, when I went to a work dinner at a restaurant in Notting Hill, West London, to celebrate the launch of a vibrator company.
My friend Jackie was promoting the business and promised a free dinner and a free vibrator. ‘Why not?’ I thought.
At this dinner, I sat beside a woman who told me her recent life story: having become pregnant with her then-boyfriend a few years earlier, he upped and left halfway through her pregnancy, leaving her devastated and scared.
In the midst of heartbreak, she went to see a love coach who suggested she write a list of the qualities she was looking for in a partner — from character traits to physical attributes. so she did, a long list of around 40 items — from height to kindness, ‘solvency’ to a desire for children. ‘And then I met him!’ she told me, beaming.
Apparently, a man with everything she was looking for waltzed into her life, took on her small son as his own and she had never been happier.
I was captivated by this idea. oK, it sounds a bit New Age, but the belief that you can conjure up the right person by focusing on what you’re looking for also seemed magical, so I wrote a novel about it.
My new book, The Wish List, follows the adventures of my 32-year-old heroine, Florence, who has never had a boyfriend and, deep down, feels as if there’s something wrong with her.
FLorENcE’s bossy and socially ambitious stepmother, Patricia, thinks it’s embarrassing and packs her off to see a love coach, who makes her write a wish list of what she’s looking for in her other half. A comedy of errors ensues.
In my book, Gwendolyn is an eccentric who wears crocs and operates from a bright pink room in Harley street decorated with heart-shaped cushions. In real life, are love coaches Mystic Meg figures who chant spells and waft burnt sage over their clients to dispel any ‘negative energies’? I interviewed several of them to find out.
Although I told myself this was strictly professional, I was also intrigued on a personal level.
Nearly two years ago, I went through a bad break-up with someone I loved very much but realised wasn’t my forever relationship. I’ve been wary of dating ever since. If I couldn’t make it work with my ex, if a separation could be that painful, I didn’t fancy giving it a whirl with anyone else.
could a love coach help me feel more confident about romance, or are they expensive charlatans who prey on people’s most personal vulnerabilities? I was, initially at least, very sceptical.
If you Google ‘British love coach’, nearly 100million results bounce back. James’s is one of the first websites listed and it proudly proclaims him ‘the uK’s top dating coach and dating expert’.
‘I’m one of the coaches who have been doing this the longest. And I’m married,’ he says, when I ask how he quantifies his credentials.
Given that there are no qualifications for setting oneself up as a love coach (often they are life coaches who decide to focus on relationships), we have to take James’s word on this.
Fifteen years ago, he helped out a friend by working at a singles party in reading called chemistry. He had trained as an actor, and it was at this party that he realised he had the confidence and body language talents to help others with their failing love lives.
James adapted his people skills to become a love coach, and has been busy ever since. (‘Loads of weddings — and sometimes people thank me in their wedding speeches, too!’)
He calls himself both a love coach and a dating coach ‘because everybody who comes to me is different. Not everybody’s ready to find love straight away’. He says his wife of nine years, Tania, doesn’t mind his choice of career.
According to the love coaches I speak to, the British dating industry has boomed in recent years, following the explosion of apps that have made single people feel increasingly frustrated.
I can vouch for this; I’ve used dating apps, on and off, since Tinder arrived in the uK in 2013, but have tired of the dehumanising process of swiping through faces, trying to work out whether I could fancy someone based on a picture taken eight years ago at a festival.
In 2020, you can start chatting to strangers in seconds on your phone, and yet no interaction feels meaningful. Paradoxically, it’s never been easier — or harder — to find love.
‘Exactly,’ says James, nodding vigorously. ‘When the apps came along, everyone thought, “Here’s a magic bullet, I’m going to find love straight away,” but most of them don’t work because people are only on there looking for hook-ups, so they get frustrated.
‘And then people think, “I don’t want to do app dating, but I’m not meeting people in real life, either,” so they turn to matchmakers and dating coaches.’
James says the love coach industry spread here from America. ‘over there, having your own love coach is very standard. If you want to get fit, you get a personal trainer. I’m a personal trainer for dating and finding love.’
Writing a wish list isn’t a bad idea, says James, but you can’t ‘magically attract wonderful people’.
Instead, according to him, being a love coach means encouraging people to work on themselves. ‘What’s their unique selling point? What’s so good about them? If you’re someone who sits all day watching Netflix and doesn’t go out, it doesn’t make you a good catch. We help people become the best version of themselves.’
How? A personal trainer barks at
The idea of a school report on my flirting abilities fills me with horror. And rightly so, it turns out