Your children are victims, too

FIrsT, I would like to say that I am deeply impressed that you have had the courage to talk to us about this, and I hope that simple act of sharing your story will, at least partially, lift the burden from your shoulders.

This is a painful situation and you’ve been living with it for years. It has clearly been at the back of your mind and has made you very unsettled and unhappy. I completely understand why you feel the need for the truth now, to set your mind at rest.

What’s interesting here is how, as you describe in your longer letter, this questioning feeling has intruded over the years.

You have always felt that something was not quite right. Now you feel it’s time to rip off the plaster and you’re gearing yourself up to do something you’ve been terrified to mention or address for years.

I sense that you are a very decent man. I think you made the right decision to marry and stick with it. You should take great pride in the results of your love and fruits of your labour, and celebrate that your children have become the men they are today — they wouldn’t be where they are without you.

I think you should shift your entire focus to them. You say you feel somewhat cheated, but it’s important to remember that, if your ex-wife was unfaithful, it was she who did the cheating, not the children.

I understand you are probably regretting time lost, but you must remember that your children are entirely blameless.

so, you should think very carefully before you proceed.

You must think about what you really want to achieve here.

Personally, I think that after all these years of supporting your children, opening this Pandora’s box will achieve nothing.

In the autumn of your years, I feel this bubbling resentment and curiosity should not be part of your life.

Why waste your energy on an issue you may never resolve?

If these painful feelings are to do with your ex-wife, then remember that she has to face up to her own demons, as we all do eventually. If there have been rumours about the paternity of her sons all these years, she will have had to deal with them too.

so my advice is not to do this. These boys have been your children all of their lives and there’s nothing to be gained by potentially revealing that they have been living this lie too.

In seeking a DNA test you may cause pain not only to your ex-wife, but to your children.

Try to enjoy each other for as long as you can and let the past lie in its cold box.