Act now or take doubts to the grave

You poor chap. This is terribly sad and I have to say my heart goes out to you. You have been through it, haven’t you?

Evidently, you have been very decent in not mentioning this before, especially after the rejection you felt when your ex-wife asked you to move out and end the marriage.

You have continued to act responsibly and not to shirk. You did the right thing and went above and beyond, and for that I commend you. I’m delighted to hear you now have the relationship you deserve to comfort and support you in your later years.

In your longer letter you mention unkind and unhelpful reactions and comments made at weddings, parties and the like. They must have been difficult to tolerate and I’m sorry that you have been the subject of such awful gossip.

I have to say, though, that if you have been on the receiving end of this kind of thing, then I wonder if the children have, too. It’s possible that they have heard similar things themselves, which might explain why you don’t hear from them very often. Equally, of course, they could intend to be in touch more frequently but are simply busy — they are in their 30s with lives and children of their own.

But, just as you acted honourably and worked hard to ensure the welfare of your children when they were younger, so you must continue to think of them now. Yes, you have a duty to your own happiness, but you must not put them through pain after you have gone.

Think how upset they would be to have to endure this after your death, when you’re not around to express your love for them. If you feel you must know the truth about their DNA, invite them round and explain how you’re feeling. Apologise to them now, when you can. Tell them that the results won’t affect how much you love them.

You say in your letter that you love them with every thread in your body — well, tell them that! If they agree to take the tests and it turns out they are not biologically yours, you must let them know that you love them anyway — and you cannot do that if you’re 6 ft under.

As for the will, it’s up to you to leave your money how you wish, and if they are not biologically yours you owe them nothing more than love and support. But remember that wills intended to hurt tend to do exactly that.

My advice? Either take your fury with your ex and your doubts about paternity to the grave, or grasp the nettle when you are still around to help salve the wound.