Is it just ME?

Or are fancy taps a faff?

IT WAS the solid-brass, swan-shaped mixer tap that broke me. Try as I might, I couldn’t make the lever handle work. Result: no water. In the end, I slunk back to my fellow diners, sticky with soap, hunting for wet wipes.

Never mind the vulgarity of designing a swan to spit out a plume of water so you can wash your hands, why do restaurant bathrooms make life so hard?

A bathroom should be a private place where a woman can comb her hair, remove lipstick from teeth and just, you know, chill for five minutes — especially now that Covid has made hand-washing an art form.

But, instead, smart taps in restaurant and hotel bathrooms are the very devil. No two are the same. Designers love to turn them into gizmos in a high-tech environment. There are levers that swivel side to side for temperature, and up and down for pressure. Some have foot pedals

There aren’t many things I miss about the 1970s, but, oh, the sweet joy of individual taps

(which you end up climbing under the basin to locate). Others have motion sensors that never seem to work. You stand there passing your hand under the tap feeling like a fool.

Several times I’ve ended up with a handbag full of water because I’ve accidentally knocked a hidden lever on the sink.

And the ultimate embarrassment is when the stream doesn’t actually stop. Do you call a waiter or, like a coward, leave the bathroom to flood?

Please stop this madness. I don’t want a bathroom designed as a Japanese lacquer cube with a waterfall basin, opaque mirrors (hopeless for make-up) and a trickle of rainwater, operated by motion sensor.

I want taps. Normal bloody taps. There aren’t many things I miss about the 1970s, but, oh, the sweet joy of having individual hot and cold taps. Can’t we bring them back?