Has my bullying husband now got dementia?
I’VE never written with a problem, but your columns have helped me in the past. Now I’m in a quandary. I feel certain my 62-year-old husband of 18 years is showing early signs of dementia (confusion, loss of humour and empathy, snappiness) which come and go without warning.
I have to watch what I say to him to avoid arguments and sarcasm, which I find dreadfully upsetting.
I’d feel a bit better if we could have a medical diagnosis, but after years of medications and operations, getting him to see a doctor would be harder than getting Dracula to give blood! In any case, a diagnosis would just make him horribly depressed.
He’s registered disabled and I have to do most of the house and garden jobs. I left my employment in March due to workplace bullying, which has happened in nearly every job I’ve had. Now I’m 65, I just want to relax without stress (I’d often be snapped at in work, and again when I came home).
But I’m feeling forced by my husband to find another job so we don’t ‘run out of money’. We have savings, no mortgage (all thanks to my late father’s generosity; my husband never saved a bean) and there’s potential equity release to consider (how much longer does he want to leave it?). He gets a modest occupational pension from early retirement, and I will get a state pension next year when I turn 66.
He belongs to an expensive golf club, using a buggy to play, and drinks about half a bottle of brandy a night. I love him but feel bad about subsidising his expenses when I’ve brought so much financially to the marriage already.
My only family now is my lovely daughter, who is very supportive, but has my baby grandson to look after and a few problems in her own relationship, so I refuse to lean on her. My son took his own life in 2012 and you (privately, when I asked) provided me with that lovely Rilke poem for his funeral. But I know from little signs that he is supporting me, too.
I’ve always found it hard to make friends so have no close ones to help; I found trying to access an NHS counsellor too draining, as they’re overwhelmed, and Relate has gone from my city.
So I don’t know whether just to be unhappy but keep the peace, or be true to myself and endure the resulting stress. Maybe there’s a middle way, but I can’t see it.
CHRISTINA
This is a stressful and depressing situation — although not uncommon. By that, i don’t mean in any way to minimise the particular circumstances you describe.
But in the same postbag came two other letters from women stuck in unhappy marriages, who cannot see an alternative to a miserable future.
Reading them makes me very sad, because there are no easy answers. To say ‘Why not leave — it’s never too late’ (which i do from time to time) is to make it sound easy to up sticks and start a new life alone. That’s far from the reality.
On the possibility that your husband may have dementia, i say yes, it would be best to get a diagnosis, but how? he would have to agree to all the tests and — here i speak from personal experience with my father — the process can be so distressing that it can be counter-productive.
You worry that your husband would be ‘depressed’, but i suspect he would also deny the diagnosis.
i’m afraid this can take you round in circles, even after talking to the excellent Alzheimer’s society. it’s a terrible problem, one that affects more and more people, and one that has me personally stumped.
To turn to the rest of your letter: you’ve had an unhappy work life and your personality is unsuited to more of
it, yet you feel bullied by your husband into finding another job. This is totally unacceptable, but since you hate confrontation, I suggest you stonewall.
There are no jobs, OK? You’ve looked. Shake your head, shrug, say that — and walk away.
You resent his selfish extravagance but feel unable to tackle it. In that case, since you emphasise that you have no money worries, try to let it go. In other words, regard the golf as a way of getting him out of the house.
Of course, the brandy is a terrible idea and could make his temper worse. But how can you stop him? Would he share a bottle of wine with you instead?
You can access Relate through the internet or on the phone (see — you don’t need a local office.
Underlying everything I write is the fact that you still love him. Can you possibly cling to that, since not all wives love? It’s the only thing to steer you along that ‘middle way’, which I see as a sort of displacement. Shrug, keep the peace, go for a walk, breathe deeply, talk to your children. Find new self-centred resources — such as being absorbed in jigsaws or colouring — to help you zone out.
A way to deal with this is to shift your attitude towards it all. It takes great strength to accept life is painful, but it possible to transcend that awareness. Your 18-year love is the start; harness it to put you in control for once, and not make you the victim.