AND FINALLY

Milestones hold the key to healing

A WEEK has passed since VJ Day and I’m still feeling rather overwhelmed by last Saturday’s two-part coverage — memorial, then celebration — which had me in tears of awe, pity and anger (and showed the BBC at its very best). To hear the veterans and memories of families was such a privilege — the only possible response being a mixture of gratitude and humility.

I’m one of those who believe it is essential to commemorate the dead, to understand history and to show respect, which is why a red mist descends when idiots criticise Remembrance Sunday, or when the Cenotaph is treated with disrespect.

Years ago I wrote an article stating how important it was for the loved ones of men killed in the Falklands War to make a pilgrimage to that faraway place in order to remember. Yes, nothing affects memories inside hearts and minds, yet outward gestures still matter.

After many years of writing about bereavement (and making various radio and TV series about the subject) I am more convinced than ever of the importance of remembrance. That is one reason why last Saturday’s events were so powerful; the carefully thoughtout rituals mattered. That’s why I encourage those who grieve to mark events such as a birthday, for example, because it can help enormously.

Every year on the birth/deathday of my stillborn son, I put a flower on the memorial in our garden and say a little prayer. It doesn’t make me sad, not any more. But a simple gesture like that acknowledges that something important happened, never to be forgotten.

The human urge to memorialise goes back millennia. Why else do we visit graves?

This is why I admire the Jewish tradition of the yahrzeit candle on the anniversary of a death. Just lighting a single tea light in front of a photograph of your beloved can become a ritual full of meaning, and I sincerely recommend it. There is no need to be embarrassed by grief — or enduring love.