Meghan speak: a guide for less than woke folk
Harry and Meghan are ensconced in California and I just don’t know what the hell they are talking about any more. Self-repression alongside colonial guilt on a macro and micro level?
Green travel, stepping up to save the world, tsk-tsking about everyone else’s ‘passive and active unconscious bias’ while excusing their own?
It was bad enough when the pair were hunkered down at Frogmore Cottage, busy nursing petty hurts and being quick to stew in a bubbling huff, while ‘nurturing’ their relationship; ‘focusing on who we are as a couple’ and being ‘authentic and organic’ while unleashing their ‘passion for change’.
Through the clammy fog of Sussexwoke-speak, one could just about grasp what they were going on about. But now?
Their U.S.-based florid, organic flannel is a complete mystery.
Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. Today the couple lead excruciatingly mindful lives in the epicentre of Californian mindfulness; no doubt comforted by the fact that there, the avocados bruise easily, too.
In the UK, the Duke and Duchess were supposed to be unbiased public servants; royal ciphers robustly discouraged from making their political views known. They found these constraints so chafing, they moved continents to find freedom and a grand villa at a knockdown price.
But now they have rediscovered their voices, what exactly are they saying? your guess is as good as mine.
This week, Megan (right) climbed into a pair of £200 trousers teamed with £500 vegan leather sandals and topped off with a £300 straw sun hat to usher 86-year-old feminist icon Gloria Steinem into a deckchair and have a simple ol’ ‘backyard chat’.
Honestly, it would take a heart of stone not to scream with laughter at the pretentiousness.
GlorIa has been a champion of women’s rights since the days when women didn’t have any. Since the early Sixties, she has never stopped writing and campaigning for her core causes: birth control, equal pay, an end to violence against women, civil rights and social justice.
Meanwhile, Meghan once wrote messages on bananas to sex workers, urging them to cheer up.
They met under the auspices of MaKerS Women, a women’s empowerment platform, which streamed the meeting around the world. object of the exercise? To encourage women to vote in the forthcoming presidential elections. Unspoken message? So long as they don’t vote for Trump.
Here is my guide to the real meaning behind the words of this epic feminist summit.
1. ‘I’m so glad that you’re home!’ says Gloria, to which Meghan replies: ‘Me too. For so many reasons.’ WHAT SHE MEANS:
Uh oh! This was a sly reference to the drudgery and cruelty that Cinder-Meghan-ella endured back in the evil UK, where there was a problem with a tiara and Kate once didn’t give her a lift to the shops.
2. Gloria gives Meghan a bracelet embossed with the words ‘Linked not ranked’. Meghan, who utterly hated being in the
It means everything to me on every level; we are linked, not ranked.
WHAT SHE MEANS:
No, I didn’t object when people curtsied to me in the UK. Nor when I get special services and VIP treatment in Soho House because of who I am.
Nor when my rank as a royal wife gives me access to people like you, Gloria, and to oprah, ellen, George, amal and everyone else who ignored me when I was on Suits but knock on my door now.
No one has benefited more from rank than me, but it suits me now to pretend I got here on merit. 3. MEGHAN SAYS: I firmly believe that we vote to honour those who came before us and to protect those who come after us. Ms Steinem, my friend Gloria, is one of the women I honour when I vote. WHAT SHE MEANS: I’ve known this old doll for about five minutes but she might be useful.
4. MEGHAN SAYS: As many of us believe, you can only be what you can see. And in the absence of that, how can you aspire to something greater than what you see in your own world? I think maybe now we’re starting to break through in a different way. WHAT SHE MEANS:
Be what you see, be a bee who wants to be a bigger bee. Don’t be a beekeeper, be a bee-seeker. Don’t bumble bee, be free.
5. MEGHAN SAYS: My husband is a feminist, too. WHAT SHE MEANS: Dimbo dude does what I tell him. 6. MEGHAN SAYS: There’s no shame in being someone who advocates for fundamental human rights for everyone, which of course includes women. WHAT SHE MEANS:
There is no shame and never has been. I just said ‘shame’ to make it look like I was doing something brave and daring.
7. MEGHAN SAYS: Hi, honey. Come here. WHAT SHE MEANS:
I meant the dog, Harry, not you. Go back inside.
8. MEGHAN SAYS: As I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to understand that it’s not mutually exclusive to be a feminist and be feminine. And to own that and harness your femininity and your identification as a woman in all of the different layers. WHAT SHE MEANS:
Has anyone seen my balcony bra?
To be continued...