Bittersweet reality of marrying a MUCH younger man
Her first husband was ten years older than her. Then, at 42, she fell for a thirtysomething. Here, in a refreshingly open interview, cosmetics queen Ruby Hammer reveals the . . .
When a man ten years her junior started chatting her up at a hotel in Antigua, make-up artist and beauty entrepreneur Ruby Hammer did what most midlife women do: she assumed he was after her daughter.
That was back in 2004. Ruby, newly divorced, was 42 and on holiday; he was 32 and worked for the hotel chain.
‘I thought, well, he’s younger, he probably likes my daughter Reena, who was then 18. He’s just friendly with me because I’m her mum. It didn’t even occur to me that he liked me. It was not on my radar.’
Six years later, she married him — he is Martin Kuczmarski, nowadays the chief operating officer of private members’ club Soho House — but not without plenty of soul-searching on the significance of that age gap.
Indeed, when he proposed to her at a hugely romantic Valentine’s Day dinner
One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.
VIRGINIA WOOLF
in London in 2005, rounded off with a silver jigsaw heart from Asprey — when you put the heart together, it read ‘Marry Me’ — her hesitation almost ended the relationship altogether.
‘I said to him: “Marriage is not a joke. I’ve been through it. I thought it was going to be for ever. I was married for 15 years and look what happened. I’m ten years older than you, I have a grown-up daughter.
“I can take anything else that gets thrown at me in arguments, but I won’t be able to address the age difference, because I can’t. And I know these things can come out when people are angry. And if that gets thrown at me, I might kill you,” ’ she recalls, with a gleam.
They had a huge row. He paid the bill and stormed off.
With a career in the beauty industry spanning more than 25 years, from exotic photoshoots and
haute couture catwalks to the co-founding of hugely successful cosmetic brand ruby & Millie, for which she got an MBe in 2007, ruby has devoted her entire working life to making women look beautiful and feel confident.
BuT STILL, a younger man temporarily stumped her. When ruby realised Martin liked her, ‘it was quite hard to adjust to’. Had it been the other way around, of course (if she was ten years younger than him), no one would have batted an eyelid. In fact, her first husband, entrepreneur George Hammer, was a decade older than her when they married in 1985.
She told her mother Martin was far too young — but it was her mum who persuaded ruby to go on a date.
‘She said: “On paper, your previous husband should have ticked all the boxes. He was older, a businessman, an entrepreneur, but it didn’t work out. So there are no guarantees in this life.” ’
With experience of both sides of the same coin, as it were, which does she think works better?
She laughs at such an oldfashioned question. Age is just a number. Women shouldn’t judge themselves, or think they lose erotic capital as they mature, ruby insists. ‘I’ve been married to a man ten years older and a man ten years younger, and, trust me, it doesn’t change anything.’
She admits, however, that there was one unavoidable stumbling block to marrying a man ten years younger. When Martin first declared his feelings, she panicked at the thought of their out-of-sync biological clocks.
‘He was at the age when young men will want to have kids and, straight away, I had a vision of years of IVF.’
It wasn’t what she wanted, so ruby asked him to take his time and think very hard before asking for her hand again.
‘I said: “If you decide you do want to marry me, we need to have a chat about fertility and will I naturally be able to get pregnant? I probably don’t have the greatest eggs any more...but, anyway, if I
can get pregnant, look at your job and the hours you work. At this age, I’m not going to sit at home with a new baby while you waltz off.
“Whatever happened with my ex-husband, we were co-parents. He was a hands-on husband and a hands-on dad.” ’
There were, then, plenty of adult conversations on the subject of adding to the family.
‘I said to Martin: “OK, I’m not saying no, but I’m saying you are a young man and an only child [his parents were divorced], and you need to go and speak to your mum in Italy and the friends you grew up with, not just your work colleagues.” ’
Her friends thought she was mad, she laughs. ‘They said: “Oh, just take him to bed and don’t worry about it, it will all be all right.” But I said: “No, let him think about it properly.”’
So he went away and did — and, when they married in 2010, it was a fairy-tale affair paid for by both bride and groom.
How different to her first wedding in 1985, when ruby’s Bangladeshi father paid, in traditional fashion, for everything, with a party later hosted by George.
‘I literally left my parents’ home and went to George’s home,’ she says thoughtfully.
ruby was just 24 then, and close to her very young mother, who she credits with inspiring her entire career. ‘She had me when she was 17. I used to watch her getting ready and was fascinated by the wonderful transformative power of make-up. I’d think: “Ah! My mum’s like a Bollywood star!” ’
When she met George, ruby was at a loose end after studying economics at university.
‘He was a businessman with interests in spas and beauty brands and, through a friend of his, she started assisting make-up artists at London Fashion Week. Gradually her own career took off.
reena was born two years after they married and, together, George and ruby brought the beauty brands Aveda, L’Occitane and Tweezerman to the uK.
In 1998, the couple paired up with Pr specialist Millie Kendall to create ruby & Millie cosmetics.
With its clear-packaged, wind-up lip glosses and cheek tints, and its emphasis on different skin tones, the brand felt decades ahead of its time. ‘We wanted a diverse, inclusive brand that everybody could
‘You think: “Is he looking at these glamorous young people and wishing he was with them?” ’