Scottish Daily Mail

He wants to move house, but I don’t

- Lifestyle · Relationships · Marriage · Family · Relationships & Sex

DEAR BEL,

ONE of our chil­dren moved away from our local area about six years ago, but we reg­u­larly visit and stay for week­ends. Now my hus­band is very keen to move to their area, as he is not happy where we are.

A move was not pos­si­ble be­cause of my job, but now I have re­tired I feel the pres­sure is on me to start the mov­ing process.

The prob­lem is I don’t want to go. l re­ally want to spend time see­ing friends and fam­ily and do­ing things I am in­ter­ested in lo­cally.

Men do not seem to have the same friend­ship cir­cles as women and my hus­band does not un­der­stand my feel­ings.

He thinks I can still travel back­wards and for­wards and friends will do the same, but from ex­pe­ri­ence I know this will not hap­pen. It won’t be pos­si­ble to make spur-of-the­mo­ment de­ci­sions to meet up with friends for a quick cof­fee and catch-up.

So what do we do? Ei­ther way some­one will be un­happy.

Your thoughts and ad­vice would be much ap­pre­ci­ated.

ALICE

Mov­ing house is gen­er­ally ac­cepted to be one of life’s most stress­ful events —even when you are gen­uinely ex­cited by the change.

I have twice made a move I truly did not want to make, from a home I cher­ished to one I did not — both times for the sake of men I loved.

And both times a pe­riod of stress and gloom was fol­lowed by set­tling down, which would prob­a­bly hap­pen for you, too.

But each time I re­mained in the wide lo­cal­ity. That is a cru­cial dif­fer­ence. Like you, I could not have borne the thought of leav­ing this area.

You tell me one of your chil­dren moved away (how far?), but say noth­ing about the oth­ers. Be­cause you men­tion‘ see­ing friends and fam­ily’, i’m as­sum­ing they live nearby. i’m sorry you didn’t ex­plain, be­cause surely the spread of the f am­ily is im­por­tant?

it could be that the one who moved away has al­ways been your hus­band’s ‘favourite’ and that’s in­flu­enc­ing his choice. What­ever the truth, won’t all your chil­dren have a view about the sit­u­a­tion?

Per­haps the one who moved might have reser­va­tions about hav­ing you on the doorstep. Per­haps the ones nearby would be sad to see you go. i’d have thought that some good fam­ily talks were in or­der, so that ev­ery­body’s views could be can­vassed.

in­stinc­tively I feel on your side. So I’d like to know why ex­actly your hus­band doesn’t like where you are.

Does the area have any bad memories? Does he dis­like your home?

I think you’re quite right about men and friend­ship groups — but is t here any­thing that can be done about that? Any chance of him tweak­ing his life to make it more in­ter­est­ing?

And be­sides, has he worked out the hideous fi­nan­cial cost of mov­ing house — not to men­tion the stress?

He should also re­alise that the grass may not prove greener and he may merely trans­port his dis­con­tent­ment to a new lo­ca­tion.

Then, what if that adult child and fam­ily want/need to make an­other move them­selves in a cou­ple of years? Might you feel stranded?

There is so much to dis­cuss and you both need to avoid en­trenched po­si­tions.

I would chat to the whole fam­ily and try to find cre­ative ways to make the op­tion of stay­ing put a less ‘un­happy’ choice for your hus­band.

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