He wants to move house, but I don’t

DEAR BEL,

ONE of our children moved away from our local area about six years ago, but we regularly visit and stay for weekends. Now my husband is very keen to move to their area, as he is not happy where we are.

A move was not possible because of my job, but now I have retired I feel the pressure is on me to start the moving process.

The problem is I don’t want to go. l really want to spend time seeing friends and family and doing things I am interested in locally.

Men do not seem to have the same friendship circles as women and my husband does not understand my feelings.

He thinks I can still travel backwards and forwards and friends will do the same, but from experience I know this will not happen. It won’t be possible to make spur-of-themoment decisions to meet up with friends for a quick coffee and catch-up.

So what do we do? Either way someone will be unhappy.

Your thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.

ALICE

Moving house is generally accepted to be one of life’s most stressful events —even when you are genuinely excited by the change.

I have twice made a move I truly did not want to make, from a home I cherished to one I did not — both times for the sake of men I loved.

And both times a period of stress and gloom was followed by settling down, which would probably happen for you, too.

But each time I remained in the wide locality. That is a crucial difference. Like you, I could not have borne the thought of leaving this area.

You tell me one of your children moved away (how far?), but say nothing about the others. Because you mention‘ seeing friends and family’, i’m assuming they live nearby. i’m sorry you didn’t explain, because surely the spread of the f amily is important?

it could be that the one who moved away has always been your husband’s ‘favourite’ and that’s influencing his choice. Whatever the truth, won’t all your children have a view about the situation?

Perhaps the one who moved might have reservations about having you on the doorstep. Perhaps the ones nearby would be sad to see you go. i’d have thought that some good family talks were in order, so that everybody’s views could be canvassed.

instinctively I feel on your side. So I’d like to know why exactly your husband doesn’t like where you are.

Does the area have any bad memories? Does he dislike your home?

I think you’re quite right about men and friendship groups — but is t here anything that can be done about that? Any chance of him tweaking his life to make it more interesting?

And besides, has he worked out the hideous financial cost of moving house — not to mention the stress?

He should also realise that the grass may not prove greener and he may merely transport his discontentment to a new location.

Then, what if that adult child and family want/need to make another move themselves in a couple of years? Might you feel stranded?

There is so much to discuss and you both need to avoid entrenched positions.

I would chat to the whole family and try to find creative ways to make the option of staying put a less ‘unhappy’ choice for your husband.