I’m aghast my children are flouting Christmas’ Covid rules

DEAR BEL,

WE ARE semi-retired parents of three successful children, all married or engaged.

Our four households span 180 miles across England and now with four young grandchildren on the scene, our typical Christmas has been a happy rotation of staying with one or other on Christmas Day and seeing the rest on other days.

The respective in-laws do the same, so it’s fair all round.

This year, Covid-19 rules mean we can’t see everyone. Given our ages and that I have an underlying heart condition, we support this.

We’ve carefully followed all the rules and maintained our health because, frankly, we are scared. This has meant limited time with children and grandchildren and we accept that.

However, our children’s attitude is different. They insist thousands die every year from flu, masks make no difference, the rules are rubbish. We’ve had to agree to differ.

Now we’re invited to be with any of them and various other family in-laws on Christmas Day, but in every case this will exceed the three household limit, putting us all at risk. Given that, we’ve explained that we’re not comfortable to visit and they’ve told us they understand ‘our decision’!

We say it’s not our decision and that by them ignoring the rules, we are not actually being given a choice.

So for being the only parents respecting the rules and taking care of our health, we will be home alone and will not see any of our children or grandchildren for the whole festive period.

We are devastated. I’m so ashamed and disappointed by our children. My wife is beyond distraught.

Have we lost our perspective and is our judgment flawed? How can we f orgive our ki ds and get past t hi s unforgettable moment?

Finally, do you have any suggestions for an alternative Christmas Day for my wife and me, because the thought of going through the motions at home alone — as lovely as it will be on the surface — will be undermined by knowing all our children are enjoying Christmas without us.

DAVID

The virus which has ruined 2020 f or millions hasn’t finished its work yet. We all hope for a better 2021, yet your l etter proves how Covid-19 has inflicted damage on far more than physical health.

You are ‘devastated’ and ‘distraught’. But whole economies have suffered irreparable damage, livelihoods have been lost, grave mental health problems have soared and many thousands of people are grieving for loved ones.

Sometimes we have to stop short and gain a sense of perspective. If we don’t . . . we choose to spoil our own lives.

That verb ‘choose’ is vital. I suggest that in allowing yourself to be ‘devastated’ you are choosing to make yourself as unhappy as possible. So please study Neil Webb’s illustration on this page.

It’s intended to represent the determined, imaginative peace and goodwill I describe in my answer to today’s second letter.

But if you view it as a bitter comment on your situation, then I must warn you — with real concern — that if you don’t shift your attitude t o your f amily now, f uture Christmases may not be happy.

William Shakespeare points to the truth when ( i n hamlet) he writes: ‘ There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.’

Most of us, occasionally, are guilty of whipping ourselves into a state of self-righteous recrimination and inflicting great harm on our relationships. Seeing both sides of an argument is the only way forward.

here are two Covid arguments. As many

readers know, I believe in individual responsibility. So if friends tell me they are shielding and obeying all the rules, I totally respect that.

In the same way, I respect your admission of fear and desire to act accordingly. You want, above all, to ‘stay safe’.

On the other hand, many people have decided that this Christmas they will bend the ‘rules’ (even beyond government permission), since excluding loved ones is so hard. That tends to be my family’s attitude.

In my opinion, that choice deserves reciprocal respect. Why should it not? Nobody knows the truth about these issues. Scientists and doctors have differing views about what will, or will not, keep us ‘safe’.

I really sympathise with your sadness about Christmas Day — even if actually you sound more hopping mad than sad.

In effect, you expected at least one of your children to choose hosting you, keeping in-laws and others away.

Yes, it would have been lovely if the three of them had had a Zoom meeting and decided who would take that decision — even though it might (please note) have caused hurt feelings in the people who were being excluded to accommodate you. And remember, too, that you might not have felt ‘safe’ there anyway, given their lifestyle.

But your three children want to have as normal a Christmas as possible — and have all invited you. They might even be hurt (as well as exasperated) because you’ve refused all three invitations and won’t see the grandchildren.

Don’t forget, there are emotions on all sides. Yes, they have the right to choose to see all those they love at Christmas and you have the right to say: ‘OK, well count us out.’ But, with respect, I believe it is sad and wrong to tell me you are ‘ ashamed’ of your children and f i nd i t hard to ‘forgive’ them.

In using such l anguage you are making a grave mistake. Your l onger l etter began by emphasising the happiness of your whole family.

So are you going to allow this wretched virus to destroy that family harmony, as it has destroyed so many lives? This is your most important choice.

Now, I want to proceed to your important question about Christmas Day. But it will be folded into my reply to the next letter.

We Angels and Mortals, Believers and Non-Believers,Look heaven ward and speak the word aloud. Peace. We look at our world and speak the word aloud. Peace. We look at each other, then into ourselves ... From Amazing Peace by Maya Angelou (U.S. writer 1928-2014)