How can I fix my festive isolation?

DEAR BEL,

MY BELOVED husband died at the end of 2018 after a very long, complicated illness.

Our daughter is now 17 and our disabled son 16.

My husband has an older family from a previous marriage, which ended long before we met.

They seemed reasonably supportive over the years, but after a small disagreement we haven’t seen them for 18 months.

My mother died last Christmas and I’m now looking after my brother, who has mental health issues and lives near by.

T his year we were invited to spend Christmas with certain family members and were looking forward to it.

But a Zoom chat revealed they have now asked other people for Christmas and no mention was made of our invitation.

My daughter is very upset and I’m trying t o comfort her but my barrel of resilience i s almost empty and I’m struggling.

I’m going to book to attend our local church, but otherwise we will be alone and I will have to have my brother around over the festive period.

Please help me pick myself up and move slowly forward with life.

CHRISTINA

Well, I hope you’ve read David’s letter — both of you are upset by being l eft out of s omething on Christmas Day. You, Christina, have endured many years of stress and sorrow: your husband’s very long illness and death, your mother’s death, the disappointing behaviour of your stepchildren, and the care of a son and a brother.

Now you feel that you have been let down over Christmas (although I wonder why you didn’t ask outright for clarification).

Accepting the reality of any situation is the first step to dealing with it — and that goes for David, too.

But, Christina, your little family will not be ‘ alone’! There will be four of you, and you must now pick yourself up (yes, this is the pep talk you want) and orchestrate Christmas for those you love.

Similarly you, David, now need to create a wonderful Christmas for your sad wife. Time to stop feeling aggrieved and play Santa. This gives you purpose — to focus on her and not the family.

Why go for ‘an alternative’? You either do Christmas or you don’t, so I’d create something magical. There must be a small tree and fairy lights and crackers — all essential for the Christmas mood.

And what about creating a Christmas stocking for your wife? (I’m sure you do for your children, Christina.) Nobody is ever too old for a surprise.

Buck’s fizz at noon is a good Christmas ritual — essential in our home. Don’t stint on Christmas food — there’s nothing wrong with turkey joints and frozen vegetables. The key — for all of you — is achieving some sort of ceremony.

Once, utterly devastated after the stillbirth (at term) of my second baby, I pulled myself together one month later to make Christmas wonderful for my little son, husband and parents. It can be done.

So take charge, telephone the rest of the family cheerfully, and vow at all costs to celebrate peace and love — which is the only thing worth doing as long as we live. And life is so short.