Ephraim Hardcastle
PRINCE Philip’s plan to escape from Tier Four Windsor to his favourite Wood Farm Cottage at Tier Two Sandringham early in the New Year has been scuppered by Covid. And even if Philip flouts the rules, he could soon have to rejoin the missus at Windsor should the anticipated national lockdown come to pass. In the event of a crisis – and lockdowns have that status – the royal rulebook states that monarch and consort are brought together under the same roof regardless of where they are in the world. Don’t jettison the mistletoe HM!
RICKY Gervais fails to cheer fans with an online diagnosis of his ailments. ‘I’m resigned to the fact I have a gum boil and toothache forever until I die,’ he wails. ‘I’ve got a bunion, twitching in my arm, toothache, sore ankles and sore knees from running. Every part of my body – there’s something wrong with it. I think I’ve given myself diabetes from eating and drinking too much.’ Doesn’t your heart go out to multi-millionaire Ricky enduring lockdown in his £10million London home?
BBC US editor Jon Sopel, back in Blighty for Christmas, moans: ‘returned to UK a week ago, since when gone from Tier Two into Tier Four; new mutant virus; border shut with France; US calling us plague island; hasn’t stopped raining; Spurs have lost twice on trot.’ Change of nickname alert: from Lucky Sopel to Jonah Jon.
HISTORIC Royal Palaces curator Lucy Worsley, pictured, rejoicing that her dad Peter, 84, is to be vaccinated, recalls his warning when she switched from chemistry to history at Oxford. ‘He was furious and said if I did history I’d be cleaning toilets for a living,’ she says. ‘He turned out to be right, as will be known by anyone who’s ever heard me waxing lyrical about the 500-year-old Tudor “pysse pot” we have at Hampton Court.’
FIVE decades after rick Stein’s father Eric threw himself off a Cornwall cliff, the chef has forgiven him for taking his own life. ‘The suicide of a parent is a kick in the teeth,’ he tells radio Times. ‘But I have to say that latterly I’m much more aware of my father’s positive side. The older I get, the more I want to be like him… You know, I think I have probably forgiven him.’
THEATRE producer Sir Michael Codron raises a festive glass to the late Dame Diana Rigg, who reluctantly agreed to extend her run in Tom Stoppard’s Night And Day after reminding Michael of panto star Dorothy Ward’s reward of a crocodile handbag with a clasp of diamonds and emeralds when she did the same. Michael sent her roses and one diamond, adding: ‘She then sent me a photograph of herself dressed in a fur coat, with the following remark scrawled at the foot: “Sealed with a loving kiss but where the f*** is my crocodile handbag?”’
SANS family at Windsor Castle, the Queen also appears alone in two new 1,000-piece jigsaws produced by Waddingtons and sent to her as a festive gift. May we add our best wishes to HM (Hardcastle’s most frequently mentioned subject) and, just as cherished, to every one of our loyal readers: Merry Christmas!