Should I be punished for having a lover and a husband?
DEAR BEL,
TEN years ago, I began an affair with a wonderful man and left my husband for him. It didn’t work out, because my family and children abandoned me. Ultimately, I chose them and returned to my husband.
That was five years ago. A year later, I resumed contact with my lover and began seeing him again — but lied, telling him I had left my husband and was on my own. It was the only way I knew he would have me back.
You may find it bewildering but I have lived a double life until now, being with both men: a husband who loves me dearly and is a wonderful father to our grown-up children — and my lover whom I love passionately.
Just this week my lover found out the truth that, yes, I am still with my husband. He is angry and has wished me dead, sent awful messages, and blocked me from all platforms. He is quite right. I am an intelligent 59-year-old and don’t know how I’ve got myself into this place.
I feel distraught with guilt for what I’ve done and am barely able to function. I’ve been hurting two men — and have lost one for ever.
My husband is unaware of all this and the fact that my lover was back in my life. All those years ago, I should have stayed with my lover, but the pain of being shut out from my family was too much.
The pain I am feeling for all the deceit is unbearable. I don’t know how to move on or forgive myself for the treacherous lies and the hurt my lover is facing now.
I’ve caused this, he didn’t deserve it. I don’t resemble the person I once was, and I should be punished for all of this. Can you please help?
JENNY
You write ‘I should be punished for all this’, which interests me greatly — for the idea of being punished for sins is as old as humanity, and (leaving religion aside) it must be because people dislike sinners ‘getting away with it’.
People are quick to pass judgment on others, but at the same time don’t like being told what to do. Don’t bore us with those outdated Ten Commandments! To some people ‘being judgmental’ is a sin worse than the Seven Deadly Sins rolled together.
But modernity can’t rub out ancient ideas about wrongdoing. Without taboos, society falls apart.
It seems obvious to me that you are, in fact, already being punished. You are eaten up with guilt — and rightly so. When you write ‘my family and my children abandoned me’, it sounds as if you were the one to be hurt and ill-treated — when of course it was you who chose to abandon them by choosing your lover.
You went back after five years to a blameless husband who must be extraordinarily strong and forgiving.
But then it became worse because you lied to both men and managed to keep it a secret. Lordy, how did you find the energy for all the double-dealing and imagination for so many lies?
Strange as it may seem, I do understand why you got into this mess. The passion for your lover was such that you couldn’t let him go, and (being greedy, which I also get) you thought you could have them both.
Weeks pass, then months . . . and you get away with it. And all the while the tension and excitement and fear breathe life into your veins — especially when you fear old age and want to cling to both sexuality (lover) and security (husband).
Since countless readers will be passing judgment on you, I shall desist, as I’ve sinned plenty myself over the
years. Now you’re left with this guilt, the knowledge that your husband remains the deceived victim, and your misery at having lost the object of your passion. Is it possible actually to forgive yourself?
In the Bible, Jesus rescued the woman caught in adultery who was about to be stoned to death (John 8:11) by suggesting that only someone without sin himself should cast the first stone.
He then told the woman: ‘Go thou and sin no more.’ Such wisdom for both the judgmental ones and the judged. He doesn’t say, go away and forgive yourself. Perhaps you never will. But your lover does ‘deserve’ the pain, because he was complicit.
The only way you can atone now is by living a good life with the husband who didn’t deserve to be left and was told multiple lies. Go back to being the woman he fell in love with all those years ago. That is how it is, Jenny.
In time, this pain will cease and when you are old you’ll look back and wonder why you put yourself through so much misery — love or no love.