My grandchild wants to transition to be a boy

DEAR BEL,

SIX months ago, my granddaughter aged 15 decided she wants to transition to become a male. I am 78 and find it hard to accept but unless I call her Dan, I get ignored — as does the rest of the family.

My son and his wife have been divorced for 12 years. There are no other children. They feel that if they go along with it, Dan may grow out of it.

As a young child, she was very much a girl: long hair, feminine clothes, dolls.

They all live about three hours away so I don’t get to see them very often, but this is still worrying me and so I would be glad of your input.

HILARY

IT IS very hard to come to terms with change – and all the more so as we grow older. In your position, I would feel just as worried about the future. But you should perhaps take some comfort that you live a distance away, in that there’s a buffer between you and this phase for your grandchild.

It may pass quickly, because teenagers can change their minds frequently — and Dan might decide to become a Goth in three months’ time. Being 15 has always been tough. While we regret the loss of a sweet child we loved, we also have to realise how many problems teenagers face — and more so in these days of social media.

If Dan’s wish to live as a boy proves to be an expression of a true inner self, and is long-lasting, then maximum support will have to come from both parents. It would be natural to write ‘. . . and you too’, but I’m not sure that’s strictly true.

This issue may make you feel sad and worried, but there is nothing you can do, except chat to your son and daughter-in-law whenever possible. Their laidback approach is probably wise, but they may be just as worried as you and need a friendly ear.

Meanwhile, why do you have to call your grandchild any name at all? If you phone, or if the family visits once lockdown has ended, I would use ‘love’ or ‘pet’ or ‘darling’ or whatever feels natural, because calm endearments have no gender.