Should I throw out my beloved dead son’s belongings?

DEAR BEL,

MY DILEMMA is about old possessions. My son was born with a life-threatening heart condition that affected his lungs.

He had two heart ops and a heart/lung transplant at 18. He died after six horrific weeks in intensive care. After his death in 1988, I wanted to keep some of his possessions, but burn the rest.

My husband didn’t think it was right to burn them, so we kept most in the loft — which we have just decided to sort out after my retirement six months ago. My problem is, I can’t get rid of the things.

Going through clothes last week was overwhelming. I cried continually. A friend phoned and said she didn’t think it would do my mental health any good to get rid of things, so to put them back in the loft.

It was like a ton weight lifted off my shoulders to know I was keeping them. We have been putting other things in proper containers instead of cardboard boxes, but not sorting it at all.

There’s so much — everything he ever had: toys, games, books, novelties, schoolwork. I just don’t know what to do about it. I didn’t use to be like this, I could get rid of things quite easily (although I’ve always been a sentimentalist). But the amount I’m trying to deal with is massive.

My husband now thinks we should have burnt the belongings years ago. He has said he would get rid of them to a charity shop if it was left to him because he has his memories. But he would never pressure me.

If I had grandchildren, I’d have had no problem giving them toys and books. But my other son is married to a woman nine years older with grownup children, so she isn’t going to want any more.

Have you any suggestions, Bel? Should I just leave the things in the loft? I would probably feel guilty about leaving my son to deal with it after we have gone, but I just can’t see a way forward.

I feel, deep down, that my behaviour is abnormal, which is why I should be doing something about it. Seeing the things again is stirring up everything. Should I just bite the bullet and ask my husband to go into the loft and deal with my son’s belongings? I honestly don’t know if I could stand them to be gone. CYNTHIA

Truly, I am not surprised your grief is still so raw because you suffered the worse of bereavements, after a long time of suffering. As a mother, my heart reaches out to you — because I adore my adult children and can easily imagine what such a loss would feel like. I can only offer my heartfelt sympathy — and I’m sure thousands of readers feel the same.

your email also strikes a chord because five weeks after his death I have been packing up my father’s clothes for charity and deciding what must be done with his things — and the whole process is very painful.

He himself was something of a hoarder, and just this week I wept copious tears (for the first time, which was certainly good) because my daughter took home all the boxes of her old possessions he had kept carefully in his own loft.

She found treasures and was delighted as well as moved.

It will come as no surprise to you when I suggest it would indeed have been better had you asked friends for help in packing up the clothes and

giving them to charity years ago. My mother and I will feel much lighter when Dad’s things have gone — and I believe it would have been the case with you.

Instead, the poor, dear relics were stored out of sight, weighing on your heads from above — and now you’ve seen them again your wounds have been reopened. I am so very sad for you. I wonder what your poor late son would think? Wouldn’t he have wished his clothes and suitable ‘stuff’ to have been used to help others — by being donated?

Not burnt — no, because that seems wasteful, but used well. In your place I would give his clothes, toys and objects to charity (one you think he would like), and keep some things, but only burn school reports and suchlike. Forgive me, but I do think this is the ‘way forward’ — and that you will feel better when it is done.

I would ask your other son for help with the task and leave it to the two men. It is a bit difficult at the moment because charity shops are closed because of coronavirus, but that will end.

For your own sake I would do this. Why not pick out some special things and put them in a keepsake box to live downstairs? Then let the burden of the rest be lifted by your husband — in the knowledge that love does not reside in clothes and objects, but in those memories he treasures, as you do.

Don’t think of ‘getting rid of’, but of giving a gift, as your child was gifted to you for 18 years.