My son’s wife is a violent, abusive bully
DEAR BEL,
MY SON is being emotionally and physically abused by his wife. Married for 12 years, he has been belittled and groomed to take it since they met online.
He’s a broken man — told numerous times that he’s unworthy, won’t be able to work, will have no friends or money and be left on his own.
Now he is being physically attacked. He has no friends. He’s fully controlled by his wife. He asks her when he wants to do anything and the answer is always no.
He works but has to go home as soon as he finishes. During the pandemic his job changed and he can’t guarantee finishing on time, so this has caused more abuse.
His wife is a professional and tells everyone she is the breadwinner and if it wasn’t for her he would be nothing.
We speak on the phone (he calls from work) as I have to support him.
The latest physical abuse caused him to be unable to walk for a while. If you ask him about her, he won’t say anything bad and he can’t see how dangerous this situation is.
Apparently they are trying again to solve their relationship (by doing everything she asks) but how long will this last? He’s afraid to leave as he ‘doesn’t want to be alone’.
I know he has to take the first step but he’s afraid. He has been told if he comes to stay with me I won’t be here forever and he will be left on his own. What can I do?
DONALD
YOUR letter is a timely reminder that men, as well as women, suffer violence at home, although many more women than men experience the abuse. In the year ending March 2019, 4.2 per cent of men aged between 16 and 59 had experienced domestic abuse compared with 8.4 per cent of women, according to the office for National Statistics.
It may seem surprising to some that a man, being physically stronger, would allow himself to be on the receiving end of physical violence from his partner. But you have to understand how a person’s mind can be taken over, cowed and damaged by a stronger personality.
Men are also less likely to admit what they are suffering because of shame.
Look at domesticviolence.org/domesticviolence-against-men to understand more — and direct your son to the website, too.
Tell him, also, about the excellent Mankind Initiative (mankind.org.uk), the uK’s principal charity set up to help men escape domestic violence. Its helpline is 01823 334244 (weekdays 10am-4pm). They urge victims to call the police in a dangerous situation and your son should heed that, too.
It is essential to stay in regular contact and encourage him to confide the worst of his treatment, being sure not to humiliate your son (as he might see it) by voicing your anger and disbelief. It won’t help if you make him feel more ashamed, so remain calm and listen.
If you direct him to the websites, it should be with the aim of helping him understand what has been going on. Look up the law on coercive control and pass on the details.
I suspect that anxious encouragement to leave her would make him more likely to stay. Victims find it almost impossible to stand up to bullies, so be sure to ask questions and build his confidence, perhaps by remembering what he was like before his marriage, swapping stories, reminding him of things he did well, his friendships etc.
Is there an old friend of his you could get in touch with, to re-establish a relationship? If he has lost identity, it will be important to try your best to get it back.
And then? I’m afraid you can do nothing until your son understands the true nature of this awful, unequal relationship and decides to free himself from punishment.
If you have resources/assets, perhaps tell him he’ll always have practical support and not be left high and dry as she warns.
You say he is afraid of being alone, but many people would think it preferable to being abused. I would remind him that there could well be a new lady waiting online — one who would not bully him.
You are his rock, so take it carefully. In the end, if (sadly) he does decide to stay with his abusive jailor, he will need those talks with you all the more. And you can be vigilant about his safety.