Do I have to invite my cruel gran to my wedding?

DEAR BEL,

WE ARE due to be married this summer, having had to reschedule three times due to Covid regulations and cut our wedding party from 100 guests to 20. With the rules changing yet again, we decided to add an extra ten guests as the venue cannot take more. The difficulty is with the guest list.

My mum is very upset because I haven’t invited her mother. My gran is a cold woman whom I’ve seen only four times in the past 15 years. When I was a child, she constantly criticised my weight or appearance, and as I got older and declined to visit, she complained — but was cruel to me when I did.

In previous years, at the Christmas dinner table, other members of the family have been so shocked by my gran’s bullying comments to me that they’ve had arguments with her. It’s particularly difficult because she is very nice to my sister and cousins.

I know Mum has always found my relationship with my gran difficult. She’d never take sides, but I’ve felt hurt if she’s suggested I’m being over-sensitive or dramatic.

I have been with my wonderful fiance for nearly ten years.

He’s met Gran three times, and on each occasion she either ignored him or was rude. He feels very strongly we should not invite her — and the wedding is now so small we’re not inviting his grandparents or aunts and uncles either.

I’m very close to my parents and cannot understand why they are so keen to have her at my wedding.

We have had a dreadful year with my fiance in intensive care, while I myself was having tests for a serious illness.

During this time, our amazing friends sent cards and gifts and called constantly, as did my immediate family.

I did not hear from my gran at all, nor have I received a birthday or Christmas card in years, while my cousins and sister all do.

Although my parents have contributed financially, most of the wedding will be paid for by us.

When it was larger, I could invite Gran as I’d barely see her among the 100 guests and wanted to keep the peace.

After such a dreadful year and so many disappointments, I’ve been so excited about seeing our wonderful friends and family, but this is putting such a dampener on everything.

I just can’t understand why, despite my explanations, my parents keep bringing it up. Am I being unreasonable?

AMY

Ah, the dreaded wedding season looms, with all the usual problems of who to invite — and all the little worms come wiggling out of the can.

I wonder how many people found last summer’s lockdown rule a blessed relief, because they could get away with a tiny wedding? the first thing I’d say to you, Amy, is that it is your wedding day and the happy moment your fiance makes you his Mrs after ten years. therefore what you two think and feel and want should take precedence over all other claims.

Lockdowns have made the whole thing far more stressful than it would normally have been (and weddings arrangements can be grim at the best of times) and I don’t think you’re ‘unreasonable’ to want

To what purpose, April, do you return again? …the sun is hot on my neck as I observe The spikes of the crocus. The smell of the earth is good. From Spring by Edna St Vincent Millay (U.S. poet, 1892–1950)

to choose who comes. regular readers of this column will know I believe in the family as the bedrock of society, as well as a source of happiness — but such a blanket ‘faith’ can’t evade qualification. Family love is earned, not a given.

When a relationship breaks down within a family group, there comes a point when it’s impossible to fake it any more.

A child can be told he or she has to visit grumpy old Grandpa or nit-picking Nan, but a young person reaches the age when the feet do the voting. Yes, duty does matter — and when in doubt it’s best to take a deep breath and try to please people. But if — for whatever reason — this grandmother has always been horrid to you, then why give her precedence over a dear friend or cousin whose company you crave?

You and your beloved have a restricted number of guests. Your parents, sister and a couple of bridesmaids take up five, leaving a handful more. Naturally, you’ll want those to be the people you love most in the world.

Since your fiance isn’t inviting his grandparents, why must you? on the other hand, you could invite Gran to the ceremony, but not the reception.

That’s the only compromise I can think of — and I hope the sun shines on your happy day.