I’m ashamed of Mum’s blame game

CAN you help a woman at the end of her tether?

In February, my brother died at 50 from a very rare, well-developed cancer. My parents, in their 70s, can’t accept it. He was their favourite — the one who agreed with them on everything.

He was also the one that never visited on Mother’s Day but got away with it. He also caused family problems when we were younger, but never mind.

I think they need something to blame his loss on. Sadly, it’s his girlfriend of 17 years. They blame her, sometimes for causing the cancer (don’t ask) but mainly for ‘neglecting’ him, not making him go to the doctor, not feeding him enough vegetables. Crazy nonsense.

His girlfriend remains devastated by his death; they were a quiet couple who spent 24/7 together.

Mother won’t let it drop, though. There’s a constant daily barrage of nasty texts I try to ignore. She sends more so I end up biting back.

I’ve considered cutting ties with my parents, partly because it’s affecting my mental health, and partly because of how they have treated a grieving woman.

I’m ashamed and disgusted. I’ve told them I can’t change what they think but please just keep it to yourself — but she won’t.

I get accused of ‘siding’ with his girlfriend and being naive, even stupid, and told I obviously don’t care about my brother dying. Mother wants to talk about his death every day — no other conversation any more. I’ve suggested talking about his life — but no.

My blood pressure is through the roof and I am in my 50s and menopausal, too. I do not know how best to deal with it. LUCY

GRIEF affects people in so many different ways and even many months after the sad event it can knock you off your feet like a rogue wave at the seaside. Like you, I hate the fact that your parents, especially your mother, are irrationally ‘blaming’ your late brother’s partner for his death.

But you identify the reason when you tell me they always idolised him, whatever he did or did not do. I have no doubt that a part of your mother screamed inside herself, ‘Why did you have to die? Why did you have to leave us?’ — full of rage at his death.

Such anger is very, very common. The bereaved person is angry with death, God, the universe, the doctors, cancer . . . but also with the dead loved one for not evading mortality and so sparing them pain. Selfish in a way, yes. But again, normal.

One way to deflect helpless grief and rage is to shift the ‘blame’ as your parents have. I suspect they didn’t much care for their son’s partner all along — par for the course with too-doting parents. She took him from them once and now (they rage) she’s done so again, by not preventing his death.

It’s all horribly sad (for them) and cruel (to her) — and you are quite right to resist it and stand with your ‘sister-in-law’. But now your resistance to your parents is taking a punishing toll on you, and so you must give yourself a break for a while — not ‘cut ties’ but minimise contact.

Rising to her carping is the worst thing, but how can you help it while also struggling with the menopause?

It wouldn’t do any harm to block your mother’s number from your mobile phone to avoid those hysterical texts, while retaining the ability to call her on a landline. Is that possible to do?

It certainly sounds as if your mother needs counselling to help her with her grief, so do investigate the services offered by the bereavement charity CRUSe (cruse.org.uk), telling her you absolutely sympathise with her and that these people will respect her pain.

Let her know you flatly refuse to listen to any more abuse of your brother’s grieving partner, but will certainly give that person who shared your brother’s life any support she needs.

If then your mother says she won’t speak to you, then so be it . . . for now. It won’t last. She needs help and so do you, but since you can’t help each other, step back.