‘Nero? He’s just the chap for a crisis’
TOP MINISTER JACOBUS MOGGUS DEFENDS EMPEROR FOR FIDDLING WHILE ROME BURNS
There is a little known fact that the Minister for Brexit Opportunities and Government efficiency comes from generations of rees-Moggs who, across continents and down the centuries, have argued forcefully that everything is going according to plan.
Here are just a few of their successes from history...
AD64: The Great Fire of Rome
In a keynote speech, Jacobus Moggus, emperor nero’s Minister for Conflagration Opportunities, declares that critics of the emperor have ‘if I may say so, got it all hopelessly wrong’.
Moggus goes on to say that ‘these sort of mild fires do happen from time to time, and anyone with a halfway-reasonable knowledge of history will know they present marvellous opportunities for regeneration’.
‘Might I also add that the emperor nero is a man of unparalleled integrity. he also possesses the virtue of being a first-rate musician. It was characteristically generous of him to play us the fiddle while rome burned. Doesn’t that show you a big man, always willing to entertain others less fortunate than himself?’
1346-1353: The Black Death
GOVERNMENT spokesman Jack real-Morgue argues that up to 200 million deaths from bubonic plague across africa, europe and asia is ‘roughly in accord with government targets, and that’s something of which we can be proud’.
He says: ‘Upsetting though these deaths undoubtedly are for those who have been obliged to undergo them, they present a very real opportunity for economic growth.’
He adds that, as a direct result of the Black Death, the price of gruel has dropped. ‘and that represents a huge benefit to families on lower incomes. Let’s talk about the things that matter to ordinary people.’
1854: Charge of the Light Brigade
QUESTIONED after the event, Lieutenant General Jacob Moggrees-Mogg, 3rd earl of Mogg, pronounces the Charge of the Light Brigade ‘a spectacular victory for British common sense’.
Asked if it was one of the most ruinous military actions of all time, he laughs. ‘I regret to say your question reveals a lack of strategic knowhow. With cannon to the right of them and cannon to the left of them, it was the perfect time to charge.’
But what of alfred, Lord tennyson’s view that ‘someone had blunder’d’? Mogg-rees-Mogg describes this as ‘a characteristically feeble attempt to slur her Majesty’s brave soldiers by someone who should really know better’.
He adds that, thanks to what he calls ‘this tremendous victory in what shall henceforth be known as the “valley of Life”, the price of bread has dropped by a halfpenny a loaf, which is, if I may say so, in line with government targets’.
1912: Sinking of RMS Titanic
‘NO ONE is denying that RMS titanic has gone down,’ says Jay Cobry-Smogg, spokesman for the White star Line. ‘But it was, if I may say so, entirely in accordance with our plans for the ship. rather than steer it left, right or straight on, we decided to go for the more imaginative downwards option — a bold strategy that, if I may say so, we executed to perfection.’
Asked if he regrets the loss of some 1,500 lives, Mr Cobry-Smogg replies: ‘that’s easy to say with hindsight. But let’s talk about the hundreds of people who made it to america and will remember that voyage for the rest of their lives.’
Cobry-Smogg adds he’d prefer to focus on all icebergs ‘without whom this project would not have been possible. It’s high time we celebrated their patriotism, strength and resilience, as we continue to go onwards and downwards.’
1960: Tragedy at Bates Motel
ADDRESSING what he describes as ‘the unfortunate incident’ at Bates Motel, spokesman Jake Obrys M. Ogg says he had not been aware of any ‘specific allegations’ against the hotelier, Mr norman Bates.
He adds he wants to make it ‘absolutely clear there’s no place on the staff of this motel for anyone who stabs people in their showers.
‘But our customers want us to concentrate on what really matters — and that’s how we can deliver the kind of top-quality shower curtains they truly deserve.’