GREAT BRITISH SEX DROUGHT The three types of sex – and why only ONE can put the spark back in your relationship
Last week, our groundbreaking sex survey revealed we’re in the grip of a love drought. So how do you get your mojo back? Couples therapist ANDREW G MARSHALL explains...
LAST week, Femail Magazine revealed the results of our survey about what really goes on in the nation’s bedrooms. Sadly, it revealed many of us are facing a Great British Sex Drought — 39 per cent of women would rather give up sex than their mobile phone, 31 per cent have faked sleep to avoid sex and 20 per cent have no sex at all. When we asked the same questions in a survey 30 years ago, 50 per cent had sex once a week at least — now it is 35 per cent. But there are ways to boost your relationship — and end that drought. Let sex and marriage therapist ANDREW G MARSHALL get you off your phone — and in the mood . . .
Having worked as a couples’ therapist for more than 30 years, i know the reasons people give for dwindling sex in a long-term relationship might vary, but the underlying problem remains stubbornly the same in 2022 as it was in the early 90s.
There are three kinds of sex, and most couples rely on the first two to keep passion alive — but these naturally wear out. it is only the third kind that will sustain you through midlife and beyond.
You might remember the first kind of lovemaking from when you originally met.
This sex is passionate, plentiful and easy. Just the sight of your beloved is enough to set off an itch and you long to scratch it.
i call it Spontaneous Sex, and if you’re lucky it can lead to a long-term love affair.
it is driven by novelty and can help you get to know each other better.
However once you are a committed couple, the stakes get higher. Falling in love is wonderful, but this is the moment when fear can set in.
You start to care what the other person thinks about you — really care. You want the sex not only to be good but wonderful.
You want reassurance that you are the one and your beloved’s eyes are not going to wander elsewhere.
i call the kind of love-making in this phase, validation Sex. Women want confirmation that their body is attractive. Men want confirmation that they are a skilled lover who is sending their partner into orbit.
Unfortunately, at this point, women can start responding to their husband’s desire — rather than feeling their own — and have sex to please him or start to fake their response.
Men may be aware their wife is exhausted from work and childcare so become more inclined to cut right to the chase, rather than focus on her pleasure. Both partners can end up feeling more an object than validated.
So what is the third kind of lovemaking?
i call it Connection Sex, and this is where you bring all of yourself to the bedroom and take the risk of opening up to your partner about your desires — which are probably very different from when you first met.
Far more than that spontaneous first kind, and objectifying second, it’s Connection Sex that has the potential to keep on getting better and better.
Five steps to having better midlife sex 1. TAKE A BATH... ALONE
To ConneCT to your partner, you first have to connect to yourself.
So take a long bath and relax. Take some deep breaths, then start to touch yourself, starting with hands and feet and slowly moving towards more erotic zones.
What sort of touch do you like? Where feels good? What images or ideas float up?
Be aware, it will take several sessions like this to get a clear sense of how your body has been changed by life and what feels good for you today.
2. HAVE A COFFEE DATE
SeT up a time to talk to your
partner. it’s usually good to get out of the house for a conversation like this.
i recommend a coffee date — a cup of coffee and slice of cake is less pressured than a romantic meal.
if you sense reticence in your partner, refer to this as a ‘celebration’ of your relationship rather than a focus on any part that might not be working. it is important to leave your phones at home so there is no temptation to sneak a quick look while your partner is at the counter. This might take only a few seconds but it will kick you out of the mood for connection. opening things up with a small gratitude exercise can help ease any anxiety. Take it in turns to finish the sentence: i celebrate... (For example . . . 20 years of marriage, our children, time alone together or a nice slice of cheesecake.) next move on to ‘positive inquiry’, which means talking about what does work between you. if either of you comes up with problems or complaints, write them down to discuss another time. Start by reminiscing about the early days. What did you appreciate? What made you tingle? Discuss how you would like things to be now. if you are feeling brave — which is to be encouraged — share your fantasies. The more vulnerable you both are, the greater the potential to connect.
3. MAKE A SEX RITUAL
Make the transition from the everyday world into the sensual one.
You can’t just throw the switch from chores and childcare to being lovers, so i get my clients to create a ritual for reconnection.
in this way, you are setting an intention to be consciously together — rather than just flopping down in front of the Tv with a glass of wine.
You could start by dressing the room with candles, putting on some soft music and remaking the bed with fresh linen sheets.
You could have a bath together. You could dress up. You could give each other a massage or start with three things you celebrate about the other person from the past few days.
This should become a ritual that
you commit to 100 per cent — no checking your messages or chatting to the kids — and it can be repeated over and over again. Don’t worry if you’re not in the mood for sex. Be happy to settle for massage and touch.
Although you might balk at the idea of scheduling sex, I find that without it, long-term couples only have Spontaneous Sex on a handful of occasions: such as on Valentine’s Day or on holiday.
Planning might feel strange at the beginning but once you are over the threshold, you will relax and enjoy it just the same.
4. ABOVE ALL, TAKE TIME
TAke it slower. If you take away just one piece of advice from me, make it to take your time.
You can’t just click your fingers and expect to connect.
Men: spend longer stroking and caressing your partner.
Don’t go straight for her breasts. You could even ask for permission to go further.
Women get aroused more slowly than men. Give her time to truly arrive.
Let her guide you.
5. REMEMBER TO CUDDLE
Don’T forget the aftercare. Coming out of the sensual world is just as important as entering it. Have a cuddle and whisper compliments in each others’ ears. This is the moment when the connection becomes deeper and you can both feel safe in each others’ arms. Cherish the moment.
I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You: Seven Steps To Saving Your Relationship by Andrew G Marshall (£10.99, Bloomsbury) is out now.