My friend’s plagued by a serial groper

DEAR BEL,

I NEED to help my (much younger) friend.

Sue used to be a carer and befriended an elderly couple when they moved into sheltered housing in our area, about three years ago.

She is a kind person who would help anyone. So if the man phones saying they need help or asking if she can go round, she helps in whatever way she can.

The problem is his wife is in a wheelchair (she’s 73 and he’s 68) and I suspect their sex life is over.

He has been warned before by the warden about inappropriately hugging the female residents. The most recent incident was when he stood behind a lady, put his arms around her body and his hands ‘accidentally’ went on her breasts.

He says he is a hugging type. Now he ‘accidentally’ touches my friend and she says it makes her skin crawl.

Her teenage daughter does the cleaning for the couple, and is getting the same inappropriate touching. I think he only does it when his wife isn’t there.

My friend takes him shopping when he asks and he often touches her leg.

She says he has overstepped the mark and doesn’t know how to deal with him. He told her how nice she looks ‘in the seethrough cotton dress’ she wore when it was hot.

The remark upset her because you could only just see the outline of her legs when the sun shone through the fabric.

She has become attached to the couple (caring for free) and doesn’t want to cause upset. But she knows she needs to stop his behaviour. What can she do?

CAROL

WHAT a painful situation — for your friend, her daughter, other women in the sheltered housing complex and the warden. But it is also sad for the couple in question that you should have to write. If the man’s wife has no knowledge of his behaviour, she is doubly vulnerable, in being disabled and liable for a shock if somebody makes a complaint.

Yes, I also feel sorry for the sinner here because none of us know what might be going on in his life even though his behaviour is pretty awful.

Of course, something must be done. It would be immensely sad for this man’s wife were your kind friend to stop wanting to help them because she is revolted by the man’s behaviour.

But it would also be utterly wrong for her to continue to allow her teenage daughter to be placed in a situation where she is exposed to unacceptable leers and touches.

So the first thing I would do is remove the teenager from the situation, for whatever reason can be given. If the daughter has a male chum who would like a bit of extra pocket money for pushing a vacuum cleaner around once a week, then so much the better. It is now time for your friend to have a serious conversation with the warden of the complex. The inappropriate touching, hugging and comments are now a recurring pattern which must be stopped. My hope is that a very stern talking to will be taken to heart.

It would be immensely sad for the man’s wife to be deprived of help because her sexually-aware husband couldn’t keep his eyes and his hands to himself. So the warden must intervene — in no uncertain terms.

Imagine how awful it would be if Mr Huggy were one day to get ‘handsy’ with a woman who complained to the police. The warden can also ask if he has any problems he can’t talk about, or whether he can cope with his wife at home.

At the same time, your friend must tell the man that from now on she will get the shopping if he gives her a list, but can no longer take him with her because she has a new arrangement each time to meet an old, needy friend with problems.

Presumably, the man’s wife is always at home when she visits and so this slight change — as well as the removal of her daughter and the talk with the warden — might do the trick. I hope so.