Husband’s affair threatens my health
DEAR BEL,
MORE than two years ago, my husband left me for a 21-year-old. We were both 28 (together since 18), married for two years with a threeyear-old child.
Within two weeks of leaving, he had doubts and, within six weeks, asked to come back. It was all a complete whirlwind. It took me three months to agree he could return. It’s been difficult but we’ve worked at it and now have another child.
I believe I was suffering with post-natal depression and was in a terrible way before our crisis. Perhaps it was the wake-up call I needed, too.
Although he is mainly to blame, I can see why everything happened and have understood my part in the relationship breakdown. We’ve each had counselling separately.
At the time, we found he had been exposed to chlamydia (which wasn’t passed on). Due to the high emotion, I didn’t process this. He was completely honest. But now my smear test has come back HPV positive (human papillomavirus infection) with borderline cell changes.
We were both virgins when we met, so I know the affair is the cause. There is a risk of me now having cervical cancer. It’s brought up a lot of emotions I thought I’d dealt with. I am angry and sad.
My husband is being incredibly helpful and I know this must also be killing him inside. My family, his family and my friends all encouraged me not to take him back, so I can’t talk to them.
There’s an incredibly high treatment success rate, so I’m positive, but annoyed that I should never have been exposed to this.
We had moved forward and this has set me back quite a lot. I need a neutral view.
ALANA
This letter came a while ago and i am hoping you have managed to process that distressing health blow with the courage and determination you displayed two years ago. The fact that you were so acutely, sympathetically aware of your husband’s feelings says much about the strength of your love and the extraordinary level of forgiveness you managed to achieve, before this unpleasant result tested you again.
Your email displays an unusual level of understanding — that is, when you reflect on the fact that the affair may have been caused (even if only partially) by your post-natal depression. i admire your wisdom and generosity more than i can say.
The majority of readers will probably agree with your family and friends about his behaviour, deeming it unforgivable. These days, i find people quicker than ever to make judgments. But i agree that there will always be a limit to forgiveness, no matter how desirable (in the abstract) it seems.
Those who love the one-sinned-against usually fear that the sinner will repeat his/her selfish, cruel and destructive behaviour.
That is why, to protect you, they were all so against reconciliation. i understand that, even if i don’t entirely agree.
The presence of children always shifts the argument. since your husband inflicted a terrible crisis on your marriage you have had another child, so you and he must have done some serious talking.
You tell me (in your original letter) that you were both ‘in a good place’ until this new bombshell, and that’s all the more reason to feel anguished that you have been reminded again of the physical reality of infidelity.
some people (and i am one) know that a marriage can survive infidelity, even if it can never be forgotten. But to many others the thought of a partner having sex with somebody else is intolerable.
There are no rules, no norms. That is why it is spurious for outsiders to offer advice (‘Kick him out!’ — ‘Don’t take her back!’), yes, even if it is asked for.
You asked me for ‘neutral’ words rather than advice. so i’ll just say i hope you and your still-beloved husband try couples counselling and that you employ all your reserves of strength to pick your way through this horrible, upsetting situation and move forward (with him chastened, i hope) into a future full of family love and fun.