A LADY AT LEISURE
Fiona Armstrong tries to work out the secret to longevity
More people are living to a hundred than ever before. It is good news for the greetings card business, although signing all those palace congratulations will undoubtedly mean extra work for royal hands. Yes, here in Scotland, Her Majesty’s Lord Lieutenants are being kept busy on the birthday front. I have delivered greetings from the Queen to three centenarians in the Dumfries lieutenancy in the last month alone. They are all women, of course – it is generally the female of the species who reaches such mature heights. These august ladies tend to be tough and practical, and great characters. I talk very loudly to my first birthday girl and am rewarded with an exasperated ‘You don’t have to shout, dear’. The next asks if I am feeling all right as I look a bit pale. The third still does the newspaper crossword every day. Despite weighing just three pounds when coming into the world in 1916, this amazing woman has reached an impressive milestone. Now in their autumn days, these venerable women can look back wistfully on long and fruitful lives. And while it is most likely a diet of oats and oily fish that has kept them everg reen, one re c ipie nt of the Queen’s cong rat u lations whispers the real secret in my ear. It’s not an apple a day and a dose of cod-liver oil, after all… It turns out a regular nip of somet hing warming may well
‘A make-up bag is where you keep your last lick of lipstick and a favourite eye-pencil stub’
be the secret to a long life. I am not a whisky drinker, but with a big birthday of my own looming before the year is out, I do feel the need for some sort of pick-me-up. This month a makeover is called for. Especially as the ITV programme on which I work is going hi-def.
High definition delivers great pictures. It also means that every wart and wrinkle is now there for all and sundry to recoil at. A make-up expert arrives at the office in Edinburgh to advise ITV presenters and reporters about what to put on their faces. She is a glamorous, no-nonsense Geordie and she dives straight in. ‘Right, we’ll start by seeing what you’re currently using. Let me have at look at your make-up bag.’
As every woman will tell you, this purse is deeply personal. Indeed, mislaying it can cause deep trauma, for this box of paint tricks allows you to face the world. It is literally a facesaver, but it can contain some less than perfect offerings.
A make-up bag is where you keep your last lick of lipstick and a favourite eye-pencil stub. The blusher could well be several years old – because cheek colour never wears out, ever. The face expert will not be impressed and she will shudder at the powder-puff that has indisputably seen better days.
As it is, our lovely Geordie lady is kind. Gently suggesting that it may be time for a spring clean, she sets to work on my face. It is a matter of ‘we can rebuild her, we have the technology’. I set off for home looking dropdead gorgeous. Well, I must look okay as a man on the train leans across and tells me I look just like Julie Andrews. I wish I could sing like her…
The glamour cuts no ice in the MacGregor household. The MacNaughties both try to lick the paint off. But then what do doggies know about high-def? Then, when I bat heavily mascared eye lashes in the chief ’s direction, he peers strangely at me: ‘What have you done to your face?’ I explain that it’s work. And so the years roll by.