Why Danny Dyer should be the new Supernanny
SO DIAMOND geezer Danny Dyer wants to be the next Doctor Who when Peter Capaldi leaves the role.
He’s also said that as the incumbent uses his own Scottish accent, he’d like to do the same with his Cockney accent.
So get set for lines like: “I can’t Adam and Eve it, those Weeping Angels are taking the Gypsy’s kiss infiltrating our world.”
Sounds wildly entertaining. But as much as I would like to see Dyer – currently playing Queen Vic landlord Mick Carter in EastEnders – stepping into the Tardis wearing a centre half (scarf), there’s one role I think he’d be even more legendary in.
Having seen his hysterical take on parenting on the new Channel 4 show Parenting for Idiots I think he’d make the ultimate Supernanny.
For as many children as Jo Frost has fixed during her years in the role up and down the land, I can’t help but find her methods/rules a tad unrealistic, at least for me anyway.
I once tried her controlled crying technique and I mean once because after Luke had screamed for 40 loooooonnnnggg minutes in his cot and – with snot trails flowing down his face, he began retching and started to morph into Regan from The Exorcist – I frantically pored over her book to find out what to do next and found zip, nada, niente.
Her (parental torture) technique assumed the child would self-settle after about 15 to 20 minutes. There was no mention of how to handle it when your other half is on the stairs banging his head against the wall and there are tears pouring down your face.
What is sorely needed is a “real” parent with the kind of down-to-earth advice I can actually relate to. Enter Mr Dyer with his no-nonsense approach.
He told Parenting for Idiots that having a toddler is like “borrowing a baby orangutan and it just wants to eat and smash things up and it don’t wanna sleep”.
And in stark contrast to the Disney version of parenting we get force fed Dyer said: “It’s killing me. Look at the state of me.”
Amen sir, Amen.
He also said of running the gauntlet of the school playground: “I just keep me nut down. I just wanna see my baby come out of school. Get her in the motor double lively.”
I’ve now started to imagine how Dyer’s approach would differ to Supernanny’s when faced with common parenting challenges and I think it’d go something like this:
Sleeping problems Supernanny’s approach: “Praise each stage in the bedtime routine that is smoothly completed; don’t allow the kids to snuggle up in your bed other than on the weekends; don’t become overwhelmed by the sound of your child crying so you rush in to comfort her; bedtime and the period before bedtime should be a period of calm.”
How I think Danny Dyer would do it: “Praise, what you on about praise? My babies know I love ’em, they don’t need me to tell ’em they’re doing a good job just cos they got on the khazi when they’re asked.
“And what’s this about not letting ’em snuggle in your bed? My littl’un tore his room apart the other night. It was 9pm and I had to be back on set by 6am so of course I let him sleep in our bed in the end, you muppet. I wasn’t about to pull a jet fighter (all-nighter). Period of calm? You gotta be having a giraffe, mate.”
Mealtimes Supernanny says: “Involve kids in the food shopping, make meal preparation a time for fun, let your little one add ingredients to dishes, if a toddler says ‘no’ to a new food, try to mask your frustration.” How I think Danny Dyer would do it: “Make meal preparation fun? I’m still chipping spag bol off the walls from dinner a week ago. Of course the bin lids think it’s fun. They got the biggest smile on their boats when they saw strands of spaghetti hanging from the lamp shade. As for letting them add ingedients, the missus tried it once and we had Play-Doh in our risotto. Tasted nasty.”
Come on, there must be a TV producer out there who could make this work.
If wives can be swapped on TV, retired celebrities shipped off to India in the Real Marigold Hotel, and people with OCD can go and clean a stranger’s house for free, there must be room for a series where Dyer comes to your house and sorts out all the Barney Rubble. Until then, parents like me will just have to manage on our Jack Jones.