Why it is always better to resolve conflict than avoid it
When we have the skills to do this, conflict provides the opportunity to strengthen relationships rather than damage them.
Generally speaking, effectively managing conflict involves staying calm, empathising with the other person’s point of view, a willingness to compromise and the ability to move past conflict without clinging to feelings of resentment.
In resolving conflicts, be willing to really listen, paying attention to what the other person is feeling as well as saying and resisting the urge to jump in before they have finished speaking. If the relationship is really important to you, prioritise maintaining the relationship over being “right”.
All relationships involve give and
IF I had a pound for every time I’ve heard a client say “I can’t stand conflict”, well, I’d have a lot of pounds by now.
Of course not many people relish conflict, but if you go out of your way to avoid conflict at all costs, you’re likely to cause yourself problems. Let me explain why.
Conflict will arise in any relationship. It occurs when we perceive some sort of threat (whether real or imagined) to our wellbeing. We all have different needs which change in how important they are to us at different times. Examples include the need to be loved, supported, to feel safe, to be creative, spontaneous or independent.
Sometimes in relationships, the needs of the individuals clash, giving rise to conflict. For instance, one person may feel a need to spend more time with their partner in order to feel secure, while the other feels suffocated and needs to spend more time alone.
Because conflicts are based on perceived threats to our wellbeing, efforts to avoid them don’t tend to work. As much as we might try to avoid them, conflicts will fester until we address them openly.
One of the keys to happy, healthy relationships is the ability to approach rather than avoid conflict and resolve it in a positive way.
take. Fixating on winning an argument or keeping the upper hand is a sure fire way of alienating the people you care about.
People often say “forgive and forget” but I prefer forgiving and letting go. Forgiveness might mean accepting an apology when it’s offered, not getting caught up in assigning blame and resisting the urge to punish.
Rather than forgetting your conflicts, use them as an opportunity for learning and personal growth. Let go of anger and agree to disagree when necessary.
Resolving conflicts in this way is a path to deeper connection and intimacy.
Dr Ellie Milby is a counselling psychologist