How to be a happy working parent during lockdown...
Family expert Anita Cleare tells LISA SALMON that stepping out of the work mindset and being playful will help keep home workers and kids happy
BEING a working parent has never been easy, but a new level of difficulty has been added now many mums and dads are working from home and trying to look after their children at the same time.
Many parents will simply be managing the best they can, and planting young children in front of the TV or leaving them with an iPad to do their school work, in order to buy time to get on with their work.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, says child development expert Anita Cleare.
Anita runs the Positive Parenting Project (anitacleare.co.uk/ positive-parenting-project), through which she delivers talks, workshops and coaching for parents, and has just written The Work/Parent Switch which looks at the issues working parents face, and how to overcome them.
She says: “Working parents have been told the way to be successful is to be hyper-organised, buy five years’ worth of birthday cards at once and batch-freeze meals. But that goes against the grain of what children really need from us.
“Good relationships with children are built on quality moments, not on constantly chivying our kids from task to task.
“To create a happy family life, working parents need to step out of our hyper-efficient work mindset and be playful and curious instead, so we can tune in to our children’s signals and understand the world from their point of view.”
Here, Anita suggests six ways to be a happy working parent:
1 LEARN TO SWITCH OUT OF WORK-MODE
THE biggest challenge for working parents is learning to switch between two different mindsets – work-mode and parentmode – and now that so many parents are working from home, learning to switch seamlessly between them is even more essential.
When we’re in work-mode, we tend to be very goalfocused and taskoriented. Doing well at work means sticking to schedules, getting through tasks efficiently, focusing on outcomes and always keeping up the pace.
But when it comes to family life, children need us to deploy different strengths. They need emotionally attuned parents who are curious and playful and empathetic, who can slow down and prioritise connecting and listening over getting the job done. Children are naturally chaotic and focused on the moment. If we approach them stuck in our efficiency-focused work-mode, we quickly get frustrated with them.
2 MAKE SPACE FOR PLAYFULNESS
PLAYFULNESS is an essential ingredient in happy families. Children and adults need it.
If you take the playfulness out of parenting, all you’re left with is drudgery.
Playfulness isn’t the same as doing lots of activities. Cajoling a herd of children in and out of the car to ballet rehearsals and football matches when lockdown is over doesn’t add up to a fun family life.
Similarly, while we might be stuck indoors a bit more at the moment, a bit of silliness is good for everyone.
Playfulness is the pixie dust that makes our lives feel lighter. It fuels children’s development, makes parenting enjoyable, strengthens family bonds and boosts everyone’s wellbeing. Creating more space for playfulness will give you room to breathe, relax, laugh a little more (and shout a little less) and enjoy being a member of your family.
3 PRIORITISE QUALITY MOMENTS
WHEN we’re stuck in ‘get-thejob-done’ work-mode, we tend to focus on all those tasks that need completing during family time.
Feeding, washing, laundry, spellings homework, reading, telling off, chasing down lost items... But families are made up of relationships, not tasks.
If we shift our thinking about parenting away from a list of activities to be completed or a project to be undertaken and see our job as parents in terms of building relationships with our children, that opens the door to a very different dynamic.
Building a relationship isn’t a job that can be ticked off a ‘To Do’ list.
It’s about small choices we make on a day-to-day level. It’s about chatting and laughing and slowing down to listen when our child has something to say – really listen with all our attention, not just half our brains. It’s through listening that we connect with our children on a deeper level and get to know them.
Building relationships isn’t about large quantities of time, it’s about quality moments.