‘i felt like i would never be clean again’ – survivor tells of rape ordeal after celebrating her birthday
A YOUNG woman has relived the harrowing night when she was repeatedly raped by a stranger following a birthday night out.
The 26-year-old was out celebrating in Cardiff when she accepted a lift – believing she was getting into a taxi – before being taken to a house and raped multiple times in an hours-long ordeal.
The woman, whom we are calling Lily, was studying in the city when she went on a night out with friends in 2017 to mark her birthday.
She and her friends visited several venues and ended up getting quite drunk. They had started the evening early by going out for dinner, and ended up dancing, with some doing karaoke.
However, things took a turn for the worse when Lily found herself alone at about 1am.
Lily, from Bristol, said: “The night was going well – I was doing Snapchat stories. We were just having a great time and having a laugh.
“It was a totally normal night out with no drama.
“It must have been around 1am in the morning [when I realised I was on my own] – we had been out for quite a while.
“I was feeling OK but when I left the club and the fresh air hit me I then realised how drunk I was.
“I sat down by a bus stop to try to sober up, as I was worried a taxi wouldn’t take me home, but it was a 30-minute walk back to my house – which I knew I couldn’t do in the state I was in.”
Lily, who no longer drinks alcohol, told Bristol Live: “This is where it all starts to get quite difficult to remember – the memories are a bit foggy and I was not aware of everything that was happening. Everything was spinning.
“I am not sure how long I was there for but I imagine it was quite a while, as I had been sick. I remember thinking that a lot of people walked past me but nobody checked on me to see if I was OK.”
Lily, since diagnosed with PTSD, said she vaguely remembers being approached by a man in a black car, whom she thought was a taxi driver.
She got in the car and she remembers feeling relieved as it was a cold night and had started to rain.
The next thing Lily remembers is waking up in a stranger’s shower naked.
“I remember thinking it was really strange because it was not my shower and I couldn’t remember how I got there and all my things were gone,” she added.
“He was already raping me when I woke up.
“It went on for a very long time.” Lily, who believes she must have lost consciousness at some point, was raped several times that night.
She was left with some physical injuries including bruising and scraping on both her legs and arms, which she thinks were the result of being dragged out of the car.
Lily was then driven back to the street where she was living, but with her face covered.
As she walked through the door, her alarm went off. It was 7am.
“It was almost four years ago but I still find it hard to talk about it,” she said. “When I got home it was not even in my head to call the police. I was so shocked and I beat myself up afterwards for ages.
“I just got in the shower and put the water as hot as I could for two or three hours. I was just crying – it was awful. I felt like I would never be clean again.”
Lily, who shut herself off in her bedroom for several days, said she felt very frightened after the attack – especially as the man who raped her knew roughly where she lived.
At the time she thought it was her fault because she had been drinking and feared the police wouldn’t take her seriously.
She went to the doctor two weeks after the attack because her anxiety was so severe, and after explaining what had happened, she was signed off work and the GP wrote a letter to her university.
Her GP also referred her to Cardiff’s sexual health service, where she was tested for sexually transmitted diseases as well as receiving injections for HIV and hepatitis.
All the results came back negative and, at this point, Lily threw herself into her university course and her work in order not to think about what had happened.
She got a job straight after graduating and went on to be promoted within 12 months.
“Everything seemed to be going well but I was working myself so hard – I was exhausted,” she said. “I was working up to 17 hours a day and I was not looking after myself properly.
“I was not eating well and I started suffering from insomnia. I was really depressed and had anxiety. I was so exhausted I burnt out.”
Lily said she ended up being classed as a severe suicide risk.
She was referred to Southmead Hospital’s mental health team, who then referred her to an independent charity called Somerset & Avon Rape and Sexual Abuse Support.
“Their support has really changed my life. They told me it was not my fault and I had spent so long thinking it was. I thought I had ruined my life and that this was my mistake and didn’t deserve to get better. I thought, ‘You only get one life and I have ruined mine now.’
“I should have been able to go out on my birthday and for this to not have happened,” she added.
“I finally told my family and close friends earlier this year.
“I worried my parents would be furious that I got myself into such a state but they were so supportive.
“It has taken me three years to be able to talk about this but they knew something was wrong.
“For three years I was trying to act as if it had not happened, while now I acknowledge it and I have been able to speak to people about it.”
Lily said the ordeal changed her from an outgoing and happy woman who worked hard and had a bright future ahead of her to someone who was anxious and shy, having lost all her confidence and self-esteem.
“When someone takes away your privacy and autonomy – you do not feel like a human any more,” she said. “It is awful.
“In our generation we are told that if you work hard everything is possible and you are going to be successful – that the world is your oyster.
“But when you are lying there, facing down and being raped by a stranger, you feel like a person whose life is going to end.
“You feel as if nothing could have prepared you for what has happened and that maybe you are more vulnerable than you thought.”
After the rape Lily got into a relationship which she described as unhealthy.
She said she wanted to look normal and, at the same time, she didn’t want the last person to have touched her to be her rapist.
After the sexual assault she struggled with intimacy as she found the experience intimidating. But she is working on this now and these days she has a respectful partner who she describes as “amazing and a massive support”.
Lily is now working with The Selfcare collective, which fills bags with self-care items such as bath bombs to give out to sexual assault referral centres.
“When I got raped I never felt clean for years,” she added. “I never felt not invaded and felt disgusted most of the time. I would have two-hour-long baths after work most days and I would try to get clean but I would never really feel clean.
“When I was in the bath, it is when I would feel most relaxed and comfortable. It is the only time I felt I was in peace really.
“I still think about what happened most days. But it is not in the same way I used to.
“I feel so much more confident and happy now.”
Avon and Somerset Deputy Chief Constable Sarah Crew, the National Police Chiefs’ Council’s lead for rape and adult sexual offences, said: “We’d always encourage a victim of rape or sexual assault to have the confidence to contact the police or an independent support service, such as the Independent Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) service or Sexual Assault Referral Centre, to get the help and support they need.
“Reporting an offence isn’t solely about seeking a criminal conviction and in some cases victims don’t want a criminal justice outcome – they just want to protect others or prevent further abuse.
“In terms of the policing response, officers undergo enhanced training to investigate rape and sexual assault offences, which are among the most complex crimes to deal with.
“We’d like to assure victims that we’re committed to carrying out an indepth investigation of every allegation of rape while treating victims with care, compassion and respect.
“More people than ever have the confidence to report their experiences to the police, but there’s still more work to do, as we know there remains a wealth of reasons why people still don’t come forward, including a fear of not being believed or a feeling that they in some way have contributed to the offence taking place. This is never the case. Offenders will target vulnerability and if a person is unable to give consent because they are drunk, drugged, or unconscious, for example, this is rape.
“We’re working hard to overcome evidential difficulties and increase the number of offences brought before the court and there is an ongoing government review focusing on the wider criminal justice system with regards to rape cases.”